Way back in December of 2011, I wrote a post called "Fuck Off". And if you missed it, then you need to read it. Because it's important know when to tune out the noise. When to tune out the peanut gallery of EVERYBODY offering their advice about your wedding and your wedding plans. And you know what, brideys? It's April 2, 2013, and wedding season is about to go into full swing, so I think we need to discuss how you're going to handle the several comments you are about to receive.
Seriously, the minute that gorge engagement ring sparkles on your finger, everybody from the dude at the fucking mall kiosk will be offering his advice on guest management or which DJ to hire or something that "you just have to do"... And you know what, bridey? The Truth Hurts Tuesday isn't limited to me providing you with an education. Right? Because if you want to keep some modicum of your sanity during your wedding planning, then it's time for you to educate the peanut gallery.
Considering that like four people were reading Bitchless Bride in 2011 when I wrote the orginal, "Fuck Off", and considering how important this topic is for newly engaged brides and brides who are quickly approaching their wedding day, I think it's important to revisit this topic... But, we are going to do it a bit differently this time. Today, I'll give you a few one liners to keep in your back pocket for the people who constantly feel the need to provide an unsolicited opinion:
1. Remember that people are stupid. Right? And stupid people will say stupid shit and ask stupid questions their entire life. Seriously, these are the same people who ask a newly married couple when the baby is coming (just wait, bridey...). DUMB. STUPID. I mean, perhaps they have been trying with no luck since the wedding or perhaps they've suffered a few miscarriages... um... awkward... (My advice? Just fire back with, "We're practicing, a lot. How's your sex life?")
But no matter what, these are the people who will ask you why you're not serving beef at the wedding. Because you MUST serve beef... Right? RUDE. What would I say? "Fuck Off!" Just kidding... But, try this one... "No, beef isn't in the budget. Maybe for my second wedding though..."
2. Remember that people are oblivious. And oblivious people are oblivious to the enormity of most situations. So when these oblivious people ask you why the groom isn't Jewish (Catholic, etc.), and then go on and on about marrying outside of your faith, then the best response is, "Fuck off!" Nope... How about, "Well, it really doesn't matter because I'm converting (to his religion) before the wedding." And then walk away.
3. Remember that people are self absorbed. And self absorbed people only care about themselves. So when these self absorbed people ask you why your wedding is on a Sunday evening or a holiday weekend because it's "kind of inconvenient" just tell them to "Fuck Off!"... Right? Nope, but give this line a shot, "If you and your husband have other plans, that's alright. We're looking forward to an intimate crowd of people who really want to be there."
4. Remember that people just want to hear themselves speak. And these talkers want to feel like they are real contributors. So when they are speaking and providing unwanted, stupid-ass advice about how you should absolutely have an open bar for the entire evening, then tell them to "FUCK OFF!". No, really... This time I mean it! Because where else can you go out for the night that includes a free meal, some booze and entertainment? Pay for your own damn drink or don't come! Because this is what we can afford.
Bridey, I know that some of you appreciate my blog, but not my "vulgarity" (as it has been referred as a time or two). I use my language in a way that works for me and gets my point across. So, if you have a way of getting your point across like you MEAN IT, then say it your way. Just use it to put a stop to the annoying meddling! It's your wedding, and the minute you let some stupid loser chime in, you've lost. Got it?
Image Cred: DPREVIEW