I'm totally dreading the fall wedding season. I am. I hate that I am, but I really, really am. And, it's not you, bridey. No really! I happen to have a fantastic "crop" of brides for the fall months, but I'm feeling like the amount of details required for some of these over-the-top shin digs is more than I feel like orchestrating. See? For once, it's not you, it's me! (Wow! I think that is the first time I have said that phrase, and actually meant it!) Call me lazy, call me over indulgent, call me a bitch, call me what you will... And you know what I'll say? You're absolfuckinglotely right. I am all of those things right now.
And because it's me and not you, bridey, I thought I would give you a few pointers or ways to help me help you. Holy shit! Does that even make sense? Whoa... See what I mean? I'm a fucking disaster right now! Clearly, I need help, and I need you to give it to me. Here's how:
1. Send me one email. ONE. UNO. UNE. Not 25 stream-of-thought emails. Consolidate, bridey! If you need to "remind" me of something or share something super important, that's great! But, please don't email me (or text me) everytime that little light bulb goes off in that bridey head of yours. ONE email will do... Just use some fucking bullet points!
2. Once we've selected your color scheme, and therefore your linens, centerpieces, bridesmaids dresses, etc.... For the LOVE OF GOD, please don't go changing your mind. You know why? Because it sucks!
Bridey, I know that you saw something on Pinterest or at a friend's wedding that "really meshed" with you, but, put it away. We've been there done that, and unless you want to spend a shitload of money redoing all of our hard work and plans (plus an additional "pain in the ass" fee for me), then simply appreciate the beauty in what you saw elsewhere, and then forget it!
3. I am not a realtor. Nor am I am not a travel agent. I am a damn wedding planner. And while I can certainly assist your parents in finding their accommodations for the TWO weeks before your wedding, I cannot be responsible for solidifying the details and signing the short term lease. I mean seriously... Why the fuck are they coming two weeks ahead of time anyway?!!
4. Don't plan your bachelorette party too close to the wedding. I need you to BE at the final meetings with your vendors, and by BE, I mean be present. Don't come all hung over, or tired or whiny... Because this is your last chance to make changes before the big day, so I need your full attention. Got it?
5. Please, bridey... Don't include me in your fights with your sig other. Somehow this always happens the closer we get to the wedding and while I pretend I am a therapist, it's only pretend. I am not licensed and it makes me super uncomfortable.
Okay... With all of that said, I feel better. All you have to do, bridey, is follow these teeny tiny rules and perhaps I will make it through the fall wedding season. Okay? Oh... Stay Bitchless!
Image via Ducky-Bob's