SHUT UP

I'm Not Going to Say "I Told You So"

I'm not going to say "I told you so", even though I am absolutely DYING to scream it at the top of my fucking lungs!!! Seriously, I am aching in my soul to tell this bride that she should have listened to me. And although I am a powerful source of knowledge, and definitely not afraid to put people (brides and vendors alike) in their place, I cannot force anybody to do anything once their mind is made up.

Let's Avoid the "Concession" Stand

As I continue to nurse myself back to health after a weekend filled with way too much "nice", too much bullshit, and shoes that were a bit too high, I can't help but wonder how the fuck I got here. Actually, it's more like how the fuck YOU got here. Because last time I checked it was supposed to be your wedding... And considering all of the concessions we made (against my best advice), I feel like we lost part of you simply by pleasing everybody else and their needs.

Fuck You and Your Shit Attitude

I'm fucking pissed off! I feel angry. I feel defensive. I feel sad. But definitely more angry than anything else. Why do YOU get to judge me and the industry that I eat, sleep and breathe?

You see my bride keeps referring my "the industry" as "you people" with a disgusted tone; almost as she is spitting the words at me as she speaks. Whenever one of "us" doesn't respond quickly enough or she doesn't like what we have to say or the price we are offering is "outrageous", suddenly we become "those people" or "that industry".

Trust is NOT a Four Letter Word

I’m still in vacation mode, so this is gonna be short and not so sweet. I am pissed off and ready to FIGHT! I'm pissed because this bitch bride keeps putting my brain back in work mode while I’m supposed to be enjoying some boozy fun in the sun! But mostly I am super annoyed because I am like two shakes away from yelling, “WHY DID YOU HIRE ME IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO TRUST ME AND MY NETWORK OF VENDORS?” Seriously! What the FUCK?

Yelp! I've Been Hit


Warning: This post is for all of the people in "the industry" who get fucked by the public every day and have to smile back at the perp. If you think my blog is generally too racy, then this post is not for you. If you dig our honesty, then read on…

I am fired up. Frankly, I’m fucking pissed off. This topic has been brought to my attention on several occasions, and I feel like every time I turn around another one of my peers has been hit by a bad review. And undeserved bad review. A review from a deranged, crazy bitch that has no business writing about an “irresponsible” or “insensitive” vendor when she herself is a lunatic. You see, just because somebody is insane enough to marry you doesn’t mean that you aren’t a crazy bitch. Crazy people get married too…

"Duel" Maid of Honors

Story Submitted by "Misery Maid"

I was very surprised when a friend asked me to be her "Co-Maid of Honor." First of all, at that point we were seeing each other maybe 3 times a year despite living in the same city, and secondly, I'd never heard of a CO-Maid of Honor. Turns out, there's a good reason for that!

Oh Pam

So, I was watching reruns of The Office recently, and the one where Pam and Jim get married came on. This is probably the best episode for all of you soon to be brides. If fact, if you haven’t seen, then go watch it. At one point during the episode, Pam says, “This was supposed to be our day; why’d we invite all of these people?” Um, yeah… I hear this quite a bit, and I’m sick of it! Stop being a wussy with a capital “P”, and do something about it!

Venue Ready?

It’s fucking 9 AM. Why is this day different from all other days? On all other days we go about our business, but today it’s 9 AM on your wedding day (for those of you who caught onto my “spiel” good for you!). You wake up, announce to your bridesmaids sharing your honeymoon suite, “Oh my God! It’s my wedding day! Let’s go check out the space!” STOP. Stop right there.

Wait Your Fucking Turn

“I just don’t like waiting for things…” said the prospective bride. PAUSE. Pause on my end… she kept talking about all of the things she wanted for her “princess wedding”, and I am sitting here staring at the phone wondering if I should just hang up now to avoid the bullshit later. While she went on and on about the pale pink linen, beaded overlays and candelabras she was envisioning, I took out my crystal ball (the one I keep under my desk with a flask and some emergency cigarettes) and a self-important bitch pointing her finger at some stupid wedding planner who was quite literally running around like a maniac trying to make sure her day was perfect. And wouldn’t you know? When the image came into focus, I was that stupid wedding planner. “Are you there?” Oh shit! I was so wrapped up in my future beat down that I hadn’t contributed to the conversation! I said, “of course, I was just taking notes.”

Zip It!

After such an incredible weekend orchestrating a destination wedding, there was just ONE thing that gave me rage. The best man… I mean… I’m just going to say it. Shut the fuck up! Seriously! I will tell you when it’s time to walk down the aisle, I will tell you when it’s time to give your toast, and I will tell you when it’s time to get your ass off the dance floor, but in the meantime, SHUT UP! Give me a little space to take care of the bride and groom. And not for nothing, I really don’t give a shit how you did it at your wedding (and neither do the other vendors); I care about what’s right for your best friend.

Get Over Yourself

I don’t need YOU to educate ME. No really, I mean it. You know what happened the second you became engaged? You went public. Your email address, phone number and address. PUBLIC. What am I talking about? How? Well, how was the bridal event at the fancy hotel you attended? You were on the guest list, right? What about that cheeseball wedding expo? Did you win anything? No… but you entered that stupid raffle, didn’t you? If you entered to win a honeymoon, a wedding dress or even a dildo, we will find you and try to get your business (or us savvy ones will).