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    Monday
    Apr232012

    Read Between the Lines

    You know what’s NOT pretty walking down the aisle? You. You with your tan lines… Yeah… Tan lines in your beautiful, expensive wedding dress. Think about it… you probably spent a pile of money on your hair, makeup, personal trainers, facials, etc. so that you would look and feel incredible on your big day and frankly, I find it truly amazing how you can fuck it all up with those hideous tan lines. Seriously, you end up looking like some whore on the walk of shame instead of some bride walking down the aisle on her wedding day. I mean… all you need is teased, ratty hair and a Virginia Slim to complete the full bridal, trailer-chic look. I know, BB is rude rude rude, but I promise you if you’re sporting those lovely lines, then I am just saying what everybody else is thinking. And if you’re still reading my blog, then don’t you trust me by now?

    Seriously girls, I’m annoyed that I even have to write this post, but I see it ALL THE TIME! And it’s so basic: Don’t go tanning in ANYTHING that will give you tan lines before your big day. Actually, here’s an idea bridey’s… perhaps give airbrushing a try? All you need is a pair of panties, and the technician does the rest. 

    Here’s how it works… you go into a small room, strip down to your knickers, stand like Jesus, and the technician sprays your body down with whatever the fuck is in that canister, and… dun dun daaaa…you have a tan! Personally, I think it is the best (and the safest) way to go if you are interested in having a healthy glow on your wedding day (not that this is a PSA, but I’m just sayin’…). But, please do yourself a favor and try it out a few months before the wedding. It can take some time to the right shade for your skin tone, and you don’t want to be experimenting with color the week of the big day. Not only can this prevent you from looking like a cheap whore in a white gown, but it will also save your photographer a ton of time editing those trashy lines out of the pictures.  Cause you WILL want them edited… Got it?

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    Reader Comments (5)

    Hallelujah! Same goes for the bridesmaids!!!! Ladies, PLEASE, stop the insanity! And if you do opt for tanning - please keep it looking natural and don't try to become Dan Arkroid in Changing Places, please!!!! Think of your hubby to be as well - is he tanned?!?!?!

    April 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEditBug

    This made me LOL. I live and got married in Hawaii, and you would not believe the lengths I went through to avoid tan lines (which is nearly impossible here, unless you live under a rock). It was worth it though :-D

    April 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSara

    You are too funny! I practically had Coke come out my nose when you said "trailer-chic". I've been to a few weddings where the bride has had severe tan lines, and I think it diminishes the look of her dress, and the beauty of the event itself. The guests don't need to see lines from her string bikini. I'm getting married over the summer, and it's nothing but SPF 50 for this girl. Thanks for always keeping it real and one step ahead!

    April 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

    Wow you are a total bitch! I don't understand why you have to be so crude and mean all of the time. Got your point, ok?

    April 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

    I would like to add that I know your perfect tan means a lot to you and you want to look as though you just came from the "Bahamas" from a pre-wedding vacation, but I have to ask that you don't get your "updated" spray tan before you walk into my shop to try on wedding gowns. I don't care about your makeup trial..I don't want that slime on my $2500 gown you are about to ruin. The lining of the wedding gowns is ivory, white, whatever, but not ORANGE. My dresses are not "SAMPLES".. Also, take a bath and ,and if you have your period and feel "bloated"..that's not my problem DEAR. You can take water pill or stay home...

    May 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLola

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