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    Fifty Shades of... Red

    He was gorgeous. Like jaw-droppingly handsome. With piercing blue eyes, dark hair and perfect teeth all I kept thinking at the tasting was how badly I wanted to crawl under the table and… NOOOOAAAA! Gross. I was going with, crawl under the table and HIDE! Get your “Fifty Shades of Grey” minds outta the gutter. Seriously. I’m not E L James (because if I was, the book woulda been written much better… just sayin’).

    I wanted to hide under the table because I was fucking furious. While this guy might have been easy on the eyes, his good looks were ruined the minute he opened his mouth. You see we were at the tasting… you know… about eight weeks prior to the wedding? The awesome moment when you get to taste all of the food that’ll be served on your big day? During our 3-hour meal together, “Christian” made it common practice to insult the parents of the bride. Statements like, “You don’t know what Sancerre is? Really? God, how do you people function in the world? “Clair” is lucky she found me.” Or, “Well done? You eat your meat well done? We are not serving it that way at the wedding. I want our guests to enjoy their meal.” Right? And the more Sancerre this bastard drank, the more comments spued from his beautiful mouth. Fucking RUDE. 

    When you read our post on OneWed today, you will see that we are full of tasting advice and etiquette. We touched on telling the truth about the taste of the food, not getting plastered, leaving the entourage at home, etc. What I left out of that post: Don’t be a fucking asshole to your soon to be in-laws. Right? Like I should even have to write this shit. I mean, who cares if they don’t know what Sancerre is? Or if they like their meat well done. Don’t go out of your way to embarrass them in front of the group. (And while we are talking about bad behavior… bridey’s, please for the love of God, don’t be rude to your mom in front of me (or anybody else for that matter), it just makes you look like a crazy, bitch bride.)

    So if I were to add a 7th rule to our post on OneWed, good behavior would have been at the top of the list. Got it? Good! Then put a muzzle on your groom, and keep your own shit in check.

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    Reader Comments (6)

    Sounds like the source of "Christen's" angst comes from the fact that he is desperately gay, yet is about to be married (to a woman, that is)? To borrow the now-cliche parlance of Seinfeld, not that there is anything wrong with that - unless you are about to pull this awful act of deception on this woman and her family. The wedding only requires one queen, and it shouldn't be the one in the tux. I don't know a straight man alive, from the DPW worker to the most erudite among the species, who would be so desperate to make himself so worldly to the wedding planner (at his in-laws' expense) unless he was jocking for the job.

    May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSean


    I just fell off my fucking chair! You may be onto something... although I am usually tuned into these things, so either my radar was broken or I was so turned off that I missed the signs. Sadly, he wasn't the first groom to be rude to his future in-laws (publicly), but certainly the most vocal.

    The kicker? He was super quiet on his wedding day prior to walking down the aisle. When I asked "Christen" if he was feeling well, he said that the valium he took was working. NO SHIT...

    Thanks for the comment!


    May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    What was the bride doing while her groom was busy insulting her parents? What were they like as a couple?

    This poor woman! I get the feeling that she is in for a lifetime of unhappiness with this tool!

    May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda S.

    Hi Amanda,

    I think the most unfortunate part of this story (besides her fiancé being a complete d-bag) is that she did NOTHING. She stared at her plate like it was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen, and literally didn't speak. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, because her parent's didn't either.

    As a couple... not the strongest I've seen! He was definitely domineering and rude, but I got the feeling that I wasn't seeing the whole "truth". Like, if you told me that SHE had a sex closet and beat him into submission each night, I might not be all that surprised.


    May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    First of all, E L James should be embarrassed by her poor writing skills. I'm happy for the book porn, but at least make sure it is well written! Anyway, this post was hard for me to read! I can't imagine what you were going through as a planner.

    I am getting married in September, and we actually just had our tasting a few weeks ago. It really is one of the best days ever! It's like you are given a gift of a "glimpse" of your wedding day, and it truly is remarkable. It makes me sad that somebody is marrying such a lunatic, and that he ruined the experience for everybody else.

    May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMarnie

    Hey Marnie,

    I love that you said "book porn"! BB will definitely have to remember that one! And, yes, E L James is an awful writer. We finally get some good books for us girls, and the bitch insults our intelligence with her bad writing.

    OMG! I was going through several emotions during this tasting. It was all I could do not to go have some "alone" time with the bottle of Sancerre! There is no amount of experience that prepares you for blatantly rude behavior. You just have to deal with it and hope that your response doesn't offend anybody.

    I'm glad you enjoyed your tasting! Sounds like you had an incredible experience! Congratulations!


    May 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

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