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    Wednesday
    Jun272012

    Bitchless Bride's Sex Education "Rule Book"

    So, I was working with a young couple, and by young couple I mean like 22 years old young… and with a young couple comes a young crowd. And as much fun as that can be, sometimes I feel more like a fucking chaperone instead of a planner. Seriously. I’ve had to have security confiscate flasks, tell people that “no, you can’t smoke in the bathroom”, and yes you have to wear your shirt. Really? But, because I have sex on my mind (again, sorry dad!) this week, I feel like it is as much my duty as a wedding planner to not only coach the bride on sex education (like in our post yesterday), but the guests too. 

    So here’s BB’s quick SEX EDUCATION rule book for the “young” guests:

    1. First and foremost… don’t “do it” in public. Just don’t. Unfortunately, I have seen way too many bare asses in my day. Usually, it’s one of the groomsmen who thinks he’s being super suave, but actually is super predictable. We will find you. We will embarrass you. And we will tell you to zip it up. So, just go “do it” somewhere else. Okay?

    2. You’re not funny. Yelling profane comments at the groom as the newly weds are making their grand entrance is not cool. Gestures aren’t either. So pretend that this is an adult party, and act like one.

    3. Brides, you know those out-of-town bags? Put some condoms in there. Seriously. Provide them for your friends (grandma is probably all set), but definitely do it. No shit, I have started carrying condoms (and lube) in my “emergency” bag. Yeah… I am good like that, but frankly I’d like to pass the reigns back to you.

    4. Ladies, I am all for going commando. In fact, I prefer it. But, you are not Britney Spears, and nobody wants to see your vag (well, they didn’t want to see hers either) as you are dirtily dancing on the floor or daintily bending over to get something out of your pocketbook. So wear some panties. I mean this is not a frat party. Somebody’s parents are watching you, and they are horrified.

    5. Sorry, but everybody knows what you’re doing under the table. Okay? And, they are trying to eat, so get off your knees, sit down in your chair and eat your dinner.

    I know that today’s post is especially crass (even for me), but sadly for me, I have witnessed all of these perverse educational points, and I wanted to share them so that hopefully some good will come out of the scaring on my eyes. Got it?

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    Reader Comments (10)

    This same post can be about Mitzvahs. Yet another reason I refuse to do them.

    June 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeth B.

    OMG Beth!

    Sad but true! Holy shit! I don't do them either. Seriously, I'm frightened for our youth! Plus, those are the same kids that act like assholes 10 years later at weddings!

    XO,
    BB

    June 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    Oh my goodness! I am absolutely floored right now. I cannot believe the nerve of these people. Where are their manners anyhow? That is repulsive behavior generally speaking, and at a wedding? I have no words. You've actually seen this sort of thing before? Straight to hell.

    June 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDumbfounded

    Hi Dumbfounded,

    Um... yes I have, and it repulsive behavior, but I don't think it's hell worthy. Maybe just humiliation worthy, which is what I do when I "catch" them in the act.

    Thanks for your comment!

    XO,
    BB

    June 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    I'm fucking speechless.... and thats rare!!

    Hey Jess!

    Whoa! You? Speechless? Just kidding! But, I mean... Right???

    XO,
    BB

    June 27, 2012 | Registered CommenterBitchless Bride

    This post is halarious!! Don't do it in public, under the table??? Is that how far it has gotten? I guess the back seat of a car is not thrilling enough!

    June 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmazing Grace

    Hey Amazing Grace,

    I still find the back seat of a car quite thrilling, but these people have progressed beyond my thrill point! Ha!

    XO,
    BB

    June 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    OMG. You hit the nail on the head here - THANK YOU for this post!! Fortunately I haven't had the whole sex issue come up yet (just a matter of time, I'm sure), but I've had to call the sheriff on a guest who thought they could smoke a little weed in the kitchen of the venue, then try to rough up the staff when they asked him to leave. Have had to chaperone 2 women to keep them from beating each other's heads against the wall. And the going commando? Ummm. Sadly have seen that too.

    July 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

    Hey Angela!

    It IS sad! People are ridiculous sometimes! And, sadly yes... It's probably only a matter of time before you get an eyeful of a bare ass knocking boots!

    Thanks for the comment!!

    XO,
    BB

    July 1, 2012 | Registered CommenterBitchless Bride

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