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    She’s Always a “Lady” to Me

    I want to stand up and applaud. I want to stand up and cheer. I want to jump up and down. You know why? Because of “Lady V”. Who? “Lady V”… She wrote a brutally honest response to a post BB wrote called “The Problem Planner”, and I need you, bridey to understand her point of view. You see, she works for a five star resort, and if you are getting married at a high-end venue or five star hotel, then I need you to think about her words when you feel your verbal vomit bubbling up. Because while her comment is quite harsh, it’s true. And you know what? You need to know how SHE feels so that you can shelf your self-indulgence crap some of the time.

    The gist of our post was about the bedside manner of those people in “the industry” ASSIGNED to work with you while planning your wedding. Their titles are usually, “catering sales manager” or “meeting and special events manager”, and while they enjoy their jobs, each manager operates differently. And because it’s so important for you to mesh with “your” person, it’s also important that you know the rules. No matter what, you have to share your bridal hopes and dreams with this person, but when you start going on and on about your family drama, your sex life, or even your awful period cramps, that is when “Lady V” starts to feel more like a shrink than a planner. She her comment below:

    “AMEN!! I work at a five star resort, (and) most brides expect on top of planning and executing their wedding properly for you to be a freaking shrink!! I don’t get paid to talk to you about everything you are feeling or a shoulder to cry on! Isn't that what your bridal party is for? I have things to get accomplished... like you plus 6 other brides’ weddings!! You will still have the wedding of your dreams, but for me its work... I don’t go into your (brides) place of work and expect you to care about every little detail of my life... I care about the details of your wedding and that’s it.” 

    OUCH! But, based on my experience and the experience of several of my peers in the industry, “Lady V” is not alone. She is busy. She is pulled into several different directions. She is freaking stressed. And, she is probably drastically underpaid. And the longer you keep her on the phone talking about your stupid mother-in-law to be, the longer she has to stay at work to get all of her work done. So, be respectful of her time. Because she is way too respectful to cut your story short as you ramble on and on about how “bummed” you were because you had to fly home from vacation in coach. 

    Seriously, if you are surprised that not everybody is excited to hear every detail of your life, go back and read the piece I wrote about Bridaldemia on the Huffington Post. You know… How the minute a lovely women has a rock placed on her delicate little finger, she transforms into the worst possible version of herself? The bridal version… AKA… Bridaldemia? I mean if you haven’t had the opportunity to read it, you should because as you know, Bitchless Bride is all about perspective, every perspective. And this time, it’s via the perspective of the assigned wedding planner at your five star hotel. So bridey, read it and learn. Pay it forward. Be respectful. And while we’re at it? Tip this person. And make sure it’s a big one!

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    Reader Comments (11)

    Hi Bitchless,

    I am cheering for you, for Lady "V" and this post. Of course, I am cheering in private as I hide behind the protection of my black suit and luxury hotel. I work at a fancy venue, and I cannot believe the stuff that comes out of these brides' mouth. Half the time they think I am listening, I am just staring at them thinking, "how could you have just told me that? Not only do I not want to know, but we just met!" I hear much worse than a heavy period or family drama.

    Thank you for making this public. Can't believe I'm the first comment. I think the others of us out there are just afraid to say what they really think even if they can hide behind their suits too.

    Keep up the honest, real content! If I can't say it, then I am so happy you can. You will definitely see a vent from me.

    Lady "D"

    July 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLady "D"

    Hey Lady "D",

    Thank you for being the first to comment! And I do think you are right... most people in your position have a lot to lose by speaking up, so thank you for your candor.

    I appreciate your position, and I know that at times it can fucking suck. But, I'm sure you've learned how to delicately switch the topic back to wedding planning and away from birth control, periods or sex positions when you've had enough! Or you just go out with your friends later to drink and share!!! Cause sometimes sharing makes it all better!!


    July 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    I have to put my two cents in as a bride! I have to say I felt really close to my venue's wedding planner as a bride, simply because we talked so freakin' often! And while I know I wasn't her only bride, and I certainly wasn't her best friend, I liked that she made me feel important and special - it's good customer service! And yeah, sometimes our conversations went off track and sometimes it was my fault and sometimes it was her fault. And while I never felt compelled to talk about bodily fluids, we did talk about budget and family woes a couple times, and I'm sure she wasn't interested but I like that she at least pretended! I think brides do like to feel a connection with their venue planner. If I'm spending a ton of money somewhere I tend to expect good customer service, and in this case a friendly event coordinator should be part of the package! I understand the need to vent about aspects of a job and I can certainly understand where you planners and coordinators are coming from. Just a bride's two cents! Thanks BB!

    BB, Thank you! It certainly is a challenging industry we work in. I would like to address Mindy@BudgetFairyTale, I understand you may want to make that connection with your planner, but so would every other bride whos wedding is being planned.I understand you feeling this way, but you are only one bride. You dont know what its like to have to play nice and care about bridezillas problems after she has ripped you a new asshole publicly for something that is out of your control. Too many brides feel they are entitled too all the pampering and extras andfeel as if they can say and do whatever because they are the bride.I would like all my brides to be respectful, reasonable and listen, but they dont and its just part of it. There are brides that I have grown to love and remained friends with after the wedding, but its not required as a planner to be your friend.

    I would also like to touch on one more thing I have seen BB post several times. We are very much under paid. Yes I know I look like I have it all when you walk into this high end resort, but the reality of it is...I make nothing. Whatever you brides think we make, its probably a quarter of that number in your head. Our pay has nothing to do with what you spend on your wedding.

    July 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLady V

    Hello Girls (Mindy & Lady V),

    You're both pretty. Just kidding... It just felt like the right thing to say. Here's my take...

    You're both right. Mindy, you should absolutely expect excellent customer service from the venue no matter if it is the Holiday in or the Ritz. And my Lady V, you are way too busy to deal with the crazy bridey shit that goes along with the planning.

    So, here's what I propose... Brideys... roll with it. UNDERSTAND that Lady V and her peeps are friendly, and want to provide you with the best customer service possible, but please know that they are super overworked, super underpaid and sometimes it's easier to blame you than to get made at the abuser; the abuser being the venue they work for and "the industry" as a whole (see "the industry" post). So, please don't forget to give as big as a tip as you can afford to your new "bestie" because you have no idea how much they did for you behind the scenes.

    Lady V, you're right, too many brides feel entitled and that they deserve the pampering that goes with the resort or high end venue. But, they do. And while I'm certainly not telling you to let down your guard or work with somebody who has little respect or regard for you or your opinion, I am telling you to fake it 'til you make it. As I have mentioned in several posts, we are stuck in "the industry" because we can't get out... We are lifers... We need action or else we are bored. We are masochists. And as much as we hate it, we love it... Right?

    Love to you BOTH!


    July 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBitchless Bride

    Oh gosh! I certainly didn't mean to ruffle any feathers! I just want to point out to Lady V that I did say that you (you = wedding planners and event coordinators} are entitled to your vent and I TOTALLY understand it! I feel like there are a few (maybe more than a few) brides who give all of us a bad rap so I guess I just feel a little defensive. I also just wanted to touch on the money thing - I totally get that you in this industry are grossly underpaid for what you have to put up with. It's the same way with my company - our company offers a premium service and it doesn't come cheap to our clients, but that doesn't mean I make bank! I make pennies, but everyone in our company - from the CEO to the data entry clerk - needs to treat our clients with smiles and rainbows to keep them happy! So even if I want to rant and scream every day (and I do, trust me!), I have to put on a happy face and often scramble for a solution or say I'm Sorry even if I did nothing wrong, so I can keep our clients happy so I can keep making those pennies! So my point of this long ramble is, I totally get it your side, but as a bride who just shelled out mucho dinero for a premium service, I also can see the bride's POV. I have nothing but respect for your industry and yes, I gave our planner the best tip we could manage but I wish I could have given her 1000x more because she made me feel so special! Peace and love - Mindy (and thanks again BB for your great blog!)

    I have to agree with Mindy and BB's response. Every industry has it's ugly side - I think you deal with crazy, entitled people when you are a server at a restaurant, when you do someone's hair or nails or makeup, pretty much anytime you provide a service. And when you choose to work in the wedding industry, you have to know you're going to be dealing with some crazy brides. While that behavior is in NO way excusable, when a bride pays a lot of money to a venue or vendor they do want a connection and want to feel special. And if a venue or vendor can't make them feel that way (whether they are or not) then maybe they aren't doing a good job. I know every vendor and my wedding venue had lots of other brides and weddings, but I was never made to feel less important. And I was a reasonable bride, but we all have our moments. I think most brides know to be respectful, and then there are a few bad apples. Maybe Lady V is getting too many bad apples being at a luxury venue where a lot of money (and maybe attitude) is involved. And if you're getting paid "nothing" to endure that, then I think where you work might be the problem... Because I think most brides are much better than you're giving them credit for, and because you shouldn't have to deal with that either.

    I agree with Chandra. "Service" jobs suck because you have to deal with the innate selfishness of people. That selfishness also comes from us, the person who is providing the service. As an almost physician (gave me another year), I can't tell you the number of times I did the "palm-meets-face" maneuver to some patients who take too much time and tell you way too much details. (For example, many surgery patients like to tell me the medical drug allergies they have are "weeds", "cats, or "well no, but my sister is allergic to crabs." Yes, because in surgeries we use weeds, cats and crabs that your sister ate to operate on you!)
    It is sometimes hard for us to step back and remember you (the customer, bride or patient) are putting control in our hands. And that's scary. Therefore it is natural for you to think every little detail matters and those details will make our service run smoother for you (when it actuality, it doesn't). Forget our labels as "customer", " service provider", or "idiot med student (Nope, just me?)", and remember that we're all people. People are awesome, selfish, but most importantly, social creatures. We have the amazing ability to empathize, prioritize and take social cues from others (i.e. I'm getting to social cue that most of you think I'm rambling... and I'm. I hope was making a valid point, or even just a point). So just remember customer-service provider-idiot med student to always try to put yourself in that other person's shoes, be polite, smile, and 99.9% of the time things will run more smoothly! (That 0.1% of time you're just dealing with grade A dicks and in that cause, let me write you a prescription for cookie dough, vodka and blogging!)

    PS-Speaking of being selfish and TMI-ing (is that a word? If not, can we make it a thing?). Instead of writing my personal statement for residency, I was looking at "lady" porn (aka engagement rings and wedding blogs), and sent my boyfriend a wishlist of engagement rings I wanted. What. the. fuck. have. I. done!!! O_O

    July 27, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnjuli

    I don't expect you to understand where I am coming from if you are not familiar with the inside workings of the "industry." My words are in no way aggressive or ment to make any one individual upset. Yes brides, this is your special day, so lets focus on preparing for that day!
    As for the comment about not performnig my job, I wouldn't have my job if I was unable to perform it well. I believe in "bed side manors" and keep myself very professional. I'm not saying I dont care about the wedding. I care very much for the wedding and details of the wedding.... I do not care though if your dog is sick, youre having period cramps, mother in law or daddy problems(not pertaining to wedding) , or tell me everything you have eaten that day ...(these are modest every day examples)
    Want to talk about center pieces, flowers, cake, music, etc. GREAT! I'd love to know everything you have in mind for your wedding!
    All I am simply saying is there is a line... that is crossed constantly.

    July 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLady V

    Everyone has great points of view on this post - great comments from all - and so respectful! What I have to offer is a little trick to deal with the sorts of people who act entitled. Where did I learn it? From working at the most expensive private school in the state. What is it? LOOK like you have more money than they do. (Some, not all, but you know the 'some' I'm talking about) luxury resort brides (like real luxury, five star + kind) at least want to look like they are rolling in piles of money at night for fun, so if you look like you have more, they respect you. It's sick and weird but true.

    Parents used to harass me on email or on the phone about raising grades etc, then once they saw the large-ish bling on my finger (buy a fake if you need, keep it in your desk draw, call it part of your work uniform), it was instant respect. No more harassment. It's so hilarious to watch their eyes drift to the shiny thing and then the immediate change in their tone. Some of them might even have the balls to ask why you're still working (yep - that actually happened to me a few times) - in that case just make like you love your job and need constant action ;-)

    I have been in this industry for almost 15 years now. I started as the Catering Sales Manager at a very high end Chicago hotel. It is HARD work ... You don't get to pick the clients, and the don't get to pick you. Customer service is important, the clients need to feel special, and the sales manager should be allowed to do their job without having to be a therapist. More often than not, that does not happen. My best advice ... TIP your Carering Sales Manager. Tip them. Period. Show that you appreciate all they have done for you and that you value them. They don't make as much money as you'd think and they could really use that tip ... Then they don't mind listening to your bridey stories more often ;)

    July 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

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