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    Entries in Divorce (7)


    The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ A Bride's Tale of a Sexless, Shitshow of a Marriage... The Grey Area Between Cold Feet & Doubt

    Gimme my soapbox because this girl is going to do a li'l bit of preaching today. And bridey, I'm not preaching about being a bitch while planning your wedding or the 5 "must haves" for your perfect wedding day because what I am about to share with you is much, much more important. It's about doubting your way down the aisle; knowing that each step closer to the altar is a step closer to your imminent divorce. Forget Canon in D, bridey... Your head is blaring Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Your head is screaming for you to turn the fuck around and make a run for it because it's much easier to skip the wedding than file for divorce.

    Bridey "B", an old friend of mine who I've recently reconnected with, told me a story so juicy, so meaty, so, dare I say, messy (keep reading) that I immediately dropped the plan for today so that I could share her story with you. Our conversation began innocently enough... A few pleasantries, a few compliments, but, when she said that "...after marriage #1, which was a total shitshow for 10 months, I took a break from boys until I met superman", I couldn't shake it. I HAD to know more. Why was her first marriage such a short shitshow? What made the new guy "superman"? So I pressed her, and found out...

    BB: "Question... Did you have a big, glamorous wedding with husband #1?"

    Bridey "B": "Yes. Ritz Carlton ridiculous." (I KNEW it!! Total mask for the doubt!)

    BB: "Did you KNOW it wasn't right when you walked down the aisle?"

    Bridey "B": "Absolutely. I was like, 'All marriages have problems. I can handle the ones in store for me. I know this man.' Then he shit on my couch. Literally."

    BB: "O Mothafuckin' G!" (Like you wouldn't say the same thing!!)

    Bridey "B": "I could go on. He just felt like since he worked from home, clothes were optional, and toilet paper was too." (Brideys, to the outside world, this dude is impeccable! He works for fancy firm as a fancy consultant. Just sayin'... Definitely not the kind of guy one pictures doing what he did to that poor couch!)

    **After a few more graphic details about the poop incident, I asked about when/how they met and some details of their relationship.**

    Bridey "B": "He asked me for a cigarette. I gave him one... The sex was great. We traveled to far countries and ate at really fancy restaurants, and then one day, he decided that he didn't want to have sex; he was depressed."

    BB:"Um, whaaaaaa? Dear God! Sex would have helped!"

    Bridey "B": "We were already living together. I was already 30. I thought it was a phase. Turns out, he was having sex, but with strippers." (She didn't find this out until after the divorce.)

    BB: "OMG!"

    Bridey "B": "So, I married this guy who was my best friend, who wouldn't have sex with me, but that's okay, because sometimes couples don't have a lot of sex, right? My mom said, 'It sucks now, but when you're older, you'll be glad he's not chasing you around with handcuffs and lube.'" (I totally peed a little when she said this!I love funny moms!)

    **Bridey, they were together for 6-7 years before they got married. Crazy, right?**

    Bridey "B": "But, you know what happened. Brides get caught up in being brides and they're too scared to turn back." (No shit. No pun either.)

    BB: "Yup! And then in retrospect... Would have been a lot easier."

    Bridey "B": "Hard to tell whether you're going through a cold feet phase, or whether it'll work itself out in time or whether you're marrying a guy who will shit on your couch in six months." (BHHHAAAAAA!!!! I guess you never know!)

    Here's the thing, bridey, you must listen to your gut (preferably before walking down the aisle to Canon in D) no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And, it will absolutely suck. And, it will absolutely hurt. But, marrying the wrong person sucks worse. My friend, Bridey "B"? She told me that the man she is with now, "superman", is the complete opposite of the asshole she married. Why she refers to him as superman? Well, "he would rather listen and learn, than fight." Plus, he's not fucking strippers or shitting on the couch... Always a plus!

    In September of 2013, I wrote Let's Call the Whole Thing Off... How to Cancel Your Wedding (and Survive), and for good reason... Bridey, if this story is hitting a nerve, then do something about it! Because that pit in your stomach? It's not cold feet, it's doubt. And, I know it's super grey, and sometimes more white or more black, but, bridey? If you don't want to skip your way down the aisle, then it's not forever... TRUST ME! And, I know it's fucking scary. But, you are strong, and better to end it now then waste your life with somebody who you know isn't right for you. 

    So, dig deep, read my "how to" on cancelling your wedding, and then go find your superman! Got it?!!

    Image via KiKi & Tea 


    The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ FLASHBACK: Either Listen to Your Heart or Listen to Your Divorce Attorney!  

    ***Because wedding planning is hard enough... Bridey, don't go through the motions if your emotions are pulling you in the opposite direction. Seriously, if you think wedding planning is tough, then marriage is going to rock your precious little world. Take it from us, your vendors... And don't forget to read the comments.***

    January 13, 2013:

    Okay… The Truth Hurts Tuesday is back with a bang! Seriously brideys, I am not messing around today. Here’s the bottom line… If you are being taunted by that little voice inside your head, you know, the one that is saying something like, “Run, bridey, run! WHAT am I doing, and how do I get out of this?” then perhaps you should take a step back and listen to what the voice is trying to tell you. If it ain’t right, then don’t get married. Period. Because it’s a hell of a lot easier to call off the wedding before it takes place than to go through with it and settle for a life you don’t want. And I know it’s scary, bridey, and I know it’s embarrassing, but you know what’s much scarier than calling off a wedding? The realization that when the party is over, and all of the guests have gone home, that you just married to the wrong person.

    As a wedding planner I see a lot of shit. I mean, Bitchless Bride STARTED because of the craziness I see, and have to deal with way too often. But, the worst part for me and probably for any wedding planner? Is watching the couples who are clearly not meant for each other, spending a ton of time and money making decisions about the stupid linen and flowers, when the biggest decision they should be focusing on is if they are actually right for each other. It’s painful knowing that the couple you are working with aren’t going to make it… I mean, if I can see it, then why can’t they? Or, do they and they’re just to afraid to do something about it?

    Obviously, I am especially fired up today. The wedding industry is small, and the word on the street is that a couple I worked with recently is getting divorced; four months after they got married. And although we (industry peeps) all knew it was inevitable, I don’t think that any of us thought it was going to happen quite so soon. And not to sound completely selfish, but planning this wedding wasn’t particularly easy. It was a destination wedding, there were some seriously wacked family dynamics, and the bride was a super selfish, super self-important bitch. Thank goodness we all worked so hard on the details (she says sarcastically). Thank goodness all of US saw the signs, but the bride and groom missed them; or decided to miss them.

    Seriously brideys, people don’t change, so don’t expect your relationships to change either. Is your soon to be mother-in-law a giant pain in the ass; always causing complications between you and your man? Then she will always get the best of you. Is your man is extremely possessive? Then he will always be extremely possessive. And you know that thing you two always fight about? Yeah, that won’t change either. It will ALWAYS make its way into your next argument.

    Maybe it’s simpler than all of that. Perhaps you just aren’t positive about the man. But, one thing’s for sure, bridey, if you are already dealing with some fundamental problems or doubts, it’s not going to change and most likely it’ll probably escalate. So if it’s not something you can fix now, you will never fix it. And if sucks now, it will suck later.

    The moral of the story? Listen to your heart. Listen to that voice screaming its head off inside of you. Because I promise you, bridey, you are strong enough to make the right decision no matter how much it scares you. Got it?

    Do you feel stuck in a relationship you know isn't right for you? Maybe BB can help! Leave your story here!

    {Image via Hercampus.com}


    The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Five Signs You are in Desperate Need of a Wedding Planner

    I had a lovely meeting with a potential client today. This bride was charismatic, bright and pretty awesome actually... But, all I kept thinking during our meeting was that I got to her in the nick of time! Seriously, this bridey was about to go from pretty awesome to pretty cray cray real fucking fast! And the more she spoke, the more I was able to see it... Seriously, I felt like I was watching myself in some horror movie. You know the ones that make you think you are going crazy, but what you are seeing is really happening?! I swear I saw an invisible crack slowly creeping down her body. It started from the top of her skull and was getting bigger and bigger... It's a good thing she found me or else this chick would have CRACKED! And then? Well, this bridey, bitch would be on the loose!

    Sooo, bridey... I starting thinking about the signs when it becomes apparent that you need to hire a planner:

    1. Your husband-to-be threatens divorce before you even walk down the aisle. That would suck, right?!! Bridey, it's okay to admit you need help. For some, wedding planning truly is a second job. My advice? Just don't wait until you're in over your head to do it. Get help sooner rather than later.

    2. When vodka starts becoming your dinner, regularly... We all hit the sauce during stressful times (I'm legit drinking a delicious vodka tonic right now!), and that normal. But, when the sauce starts becoming a food group? Well, then you many have yourself a little bit of a problem. Brideys, I'm allowed to drink because I am busy planning all of your crazy weddings! Like SEVERAL. But, you? Not so much. If you're turning to the sauce or any vice for that matter, then it's time to call in the big dogs. Okay?

    3. Your friends don't want to play with you anymore.... Because you suck...

    Click to read more ...


    The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Let's Call the Whole Thing Off... How to Cancel Your Wedding (and Survive)

    Yup, you read that right. Here's a topic that is so verboten that most of you are wondering why I'm even writing about it. But, it's important. Because it happens... A lot... More often then you know. I mean let's cut the shit here, if half of all marriages end in divorce, then there's bound to be a few who got "divorced" before they got married, and for good reason too... When it becomes more about the wedding and less about the marriage, you're doing yourself a favor.

    Bridey, I'm not saying that it will happen to you, but God forbid (as my mother would say) it does, I promise you, you'll need some guidance. So here it is... And my biggest piece of advice? Do it before the enormity of the situation has sunk in.

    1. Act fast. If you are calling off your wedding, then time is of the essence. Remember how aggressive you were planning the wedding? Well, add warp speed to that. Because your guests will need to change their plans too (cancel airfare, hotel rooms, etc.). Get the word out there immediately. I know it's embarrassing, and that you'd rather hide under the covers and wish it all away, but bridey? There's no time for that shit. Pull it together (for now); I'll let you know when it's time to lose it. But, we're not there yet. So get it together. And don't beat around the bush. Send something like this... From your parents "I'm sorry to inform you that the marriage of Bridey and Groomy, has been cancelled."

    2. Call your vendors ASAP! Depending on how close you are to your wedding date, there may still be time to get some of your money back. If they can re-book the date, then there's a chance that the only thing you'll lose out on is the deposit. So get to it! Um, and while your at it? Cancel your honeymoon. You'll probably get screwed with the airfare, but the hotel cancellation policies are usually within 24-48 hours of the arrival date.

    3. You've got to return the gifts. Trust me, you'll want to. Right now, everything and anything is a reminder (which can still hurt even if you're the one calling it off). That stupid egg poacher (which you will never use) will suddenly have some sort of emotional value, so get rid of it! Now!

    Click to read more ...


    And They Lived Unhappily Ever After... 

    I am completely dying right now... I just got off of the phone (literally, like 2 minutes ago) with a Mother of the Groom (MOG), and not only did the conversation begin with her crying, but it ended with her saying, "I just want to do this for them (the rehearsal dinner), and then I want them to get divorced." Right? What the fuck???

    Click to read more ...