It's a Nice Day For a White Trash Wedding

I need to write about something funny after watching the horror from last Friday, and the news coverage from the weekend. Like most of you, I’ve spent the last few days digesting the complete evilness of one disturbed human being, and continue to be in shock and deep mourning for the people in Connecticut. So, I’m sharing with you a story that is so incredibly trashy, that you can’t help but laugh. And I think we all could use a good laugh right now. Right? Actually, if I’m honest, I swore that I wouldn’t write about this experience because of how trashy this wedding was, but now… I just don’t care. So enjoy this real life anecdote about a batshit crazy bride, her completely drunk husband and her very rich daddy.

Seriously, this was a fucking crazy wedding. I have seen a lot of outrageous shit throughout my career, but this wedding trumps anything I have ever seen… ever. It was pretty clear from the beginning that the bride absolutely hated her father. But, her father was paying for the wedding, and if I had to guess, I would say that the only reason there was a wedding (instead of an elopement) in the first place was because her daddy threatened the inheritance if she didn’t do it his way. And, his was way was for her to be married in front of all of his friends and family, so that’s what she did. And oh boy I bet he was sorry… Between the bright yellow cake with ladybugs, rainbows and smiley faces all over it, guests smoking in the dining room (at a non-smoking facility), and the tables drenched with red wine stains, I’m sure her daddy was super proud. And that’s not even the half of it.

Based on my conversations with the bride throughout the wedding planning, I was aware of her tumultuous relationship with her dad, a relationship that had been strained since she was a teenager. Something about her mother passing away, his dating WAY younger girls and her big mouth getting her into trouble with drugs and the law. Not good. I’m guessing her teenage years were the precursor of her downward spiral.

Fast forward to her wedding day… Gorgeous bride… No, really she was (well, before all of the booze and drugs kicked in). She had a killer body, and wore her dress beautifully. Anyway, the ceremony started like 45 minutes late because nobody could find the groom. Like… nowhere to be found. Apparently, he was in his brother’s room passed out in his tux… Nice, huh? When he finally did get his shit together, a staff member at the venue found him doing coke in the bathroom… musta needed an upper after all of that booze.

So, when I finally got the “bridal party” down the aisle, (the “bridesmaids”, her nieces, a friend and her sister, all wearing leopard dresses) the ceremony itself was about five minutes long, and a complete joke because of how wasted the groom was, and how indifferent the bride was. So sad, but comical at the same time somehow…the silver lining? At least we caught up with the timeline and stayed on schedule. 

After the ceremony, the bride changed into a skintight, sheath dress with a fantastic layer of beading draping the very form-fitting sheath. Turns out, she wasn’t wearing any panties under that dress. How do I know this? Well, you’ve never seen a staff at a venue SO interested in a first dance. The entire team of servers was standing around the dance floor watching as the bride swayed back and forth with her husband. I had been in the kitchen checking on the status of the food, and when I came out and saw just how interested this team was in the first dance, something they’ve seen a million times before, I knew something was up. And by up, I mean that the sheath part of her dress was hiked up over her perfect ass. Yes, the bride was completely mooning everybody at the wedding during her first dance. The worst part was that NOBODY told her! I mean… What the fuck?

So, I casually snuck up to the dance floor, whispered in her ear, and she yanked the sheath down past her ass, and took a bow. Seriously, what else could she do? You can imagine how the rest of the evening went down… Let’s just say it along a similar vein. But, it doesn’t even matter because I doubt she’ll even remember. But I know who will? Her daddy! Poor guy. I bet he was such a proud papa that day! 

Well, I hope this ridiculous story gives you a much-needed laugh. I laughed my way through writing it.

What’s the craziest wedding you’ve ever attended? Submit the story and/or pictures here.