I am OBSESSED with Melanie. Like totally, unequivocally obsessed with her. Who's Melanie? Well, you see that absolutely adorable bride up there? Yeah, that's Melanie. And when Melanie emailed me her hilarious wedding story, I fell over. I died. Not only did she do an amazing job capturing each and every emotion she felt during her wedding planning, but she's fucking funny! Seriously, I bet that if Mel and I hung out over a few cocktails, we'd either get kicked out of the bar or the whole bar would have a good time watching us dish. The coolest part? When she emailed her wedding photographs to go with her story, I was in complete awe.
Check it out:
The Center Peace ~ by Melanie Vare
After the sixth batch of centerpiece emails with my design savvy girlfriends - it hit me what I had become. I promised my fiancé that I wouldn’t be the type of girl who gets all consumed by the nitty-gritty details of planning a wedding. But, here’s the problem, centerpieces don’t just walk up on to the tables themselves! Someone’s got to create the wedding vision. And, someone’s got to execute it.
I heard that in the old days the groom used to plan the wedding. I’d like to see pictures of those centerpieces — bowls of potato chips and buckets of beer. My fiancé informed me that if it were up to him there would be no centerpieces at all. In his defense, this was after I made the rookie mistake of running by him, my gamut of ideas. Guys do not like ideas. Especially centerpiece ideas, which ranged from lemon trees at each table to a gorgeous medley of yellow flowers and yellow fruits. Our color was obviously yellow...along with gray, but I decided to ignore that color since the only gray flowers and fruits were either dead or moldy.
(That's their comedian officiant... Can't you see it?!!)
My fiancé gasped at my endless ideas, especially the lemon tree.
“Really? He asked. “A lemon tree?”
Then he let out a long, deep groan. It was the same confused cry I heard him make a few days earlier. I remember running frantically to our home office, wondering who had died or what kind of shenanigans the Tea Party had gotten into now. But instead, my fiancé spun around in his black leather office chair and behind him I could see he was logged on to our Crate & Barrel registry.
(This video is 42 seconds, and it's called, "Any Objections". You MUST watch it! Remember, the officiant is a comedian!)
“A mango slicer!? He asked.
I thought he’d be thrilled that I found this innovative kitchen gadget, plus he loves mangos. But, he thought it was ridiculous and a good example of America’s addiction to consumption. I knew from past experiences with my conservationist fiancé that planning something as wasteful as a wedding would be like trying to sell "Duck Dynasty" a Prius or Norelco clippers.
So, in an effort to make the wedding process seem simple, my strategy was I’d do the bulk of the legwork, then just present my findings to my husband. I didn’t even bothered to inform him when I went in to Crate & Barrel to register. No, I waited and waited, for the perfect time, I waited until he was deep in the Nevada dessert, feeling the love at the arts-festival-of-all-arts-festivals, otherwise known as Burning Man.
In hindsight, I realize it was sneaky and deceptive to register behind my fiancé’s back, but you see, in my mind, he had lost his shopping privileges early on in our relationship. This was after he failed to savor ‘the Target experience.’ To me, Target is a half-day event...the highlight of my day or, heck, weekend. He, just wanted to get in and get out. He brought a list. He stuck to it. He hovered. He paced.
I didn’t want to be rushed like that when it came to something as monumental as registering for my wedding, I mean OUR wedding. Plus, I knew he’d drag his feet and always find something to be a higher priority than selecting silverware and duvet covers. I, on the other hand, could not imagine a single scenario that could precede this process.
I know I promised him that I wouldn’t become a bewitched bride — hyper focused on the material aspects of a wedding — but that was before I realized this was my BIG chance to finally own a coffee maker with lots of buttons! When I shared my registry frustrations with my friend, she pointed out that I could simply buy a nice coffee maker myself. She had a good point; however, I made a mental note to never speak to her again; she was a registry killjoy.
Instead, I spent days on end perfecting our registry. I even had dreams where I’d make elaborate holiday meals and visions of serving pieces danced in my head. I had never prepared a single Holiday meal, but surely once I was married, I would. I’d wake up and immediately log-on and start editing our registry; I didn’t want to forget a single item spoken to me by my wedding fairies. As I typed away on my computer, my husband would smile at me, thinking I was hard at work first thing in the morning. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t working on ‘my book.’
It was all worth it though, because ohhhh what a thrill it was when those Crate & Barrel boxes arrived! I’d tear them open wondering, which of the gifts it was that I already knew I was getting? Somehow knowing what was inside made it no less exciting. In fact, after receiving the first few gifts, at just the very sight of a UPS truck headed in the direction of my house, I got wet. I guess I’m just a traditionalist after all. And by traditionalist, I mean — Bridezilla — who I never wanted to be, but somehow briefly became.
Luckily, our relationship is built on a lot more than a killer set of mint blue Crate & Barrel dishware and top-notch stainless steel All-Clad cookware; that’s just icing on the cake. Fortunately, our relationship is filled with an undeniably delectable center; comprised of 100% organic ingredients - humor, acceptance, understanding and most important, willingness to compromise.
Speaking of which, sadly I didn’t get to have lemon trees as centerpieces, but thankfully we didn’t have to have bowls of potato chips either. Instead, simple yet vivid bouquets of yellow flowers set against slate gray table linens, played in the background, of a joyous afternoon.
See what I'm saying? Look how adorable Melanie is!!! THANK YOU Melanie for your fabulous story!!