Really??

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Bridey, Did You Know You're My Only Client? Oh Wait...

Why don't you just lift your leg and pee on me? Huh? What the fuck are you talking about BB? Well, I'm talking about how territorial brides become once they secure their wedding vendors. Seriously, it's like they literally become bitches (in the doggie sense of the word), claim you as their possession once they pay the deposit, and piss all over you. I swear, the wedding industry is the only industry where this seems to be the case, and where vendors work super fucking hard to make brides feel like they are in fact their only client...

I mean, can you imagine if this was acceptable or the norm in any other industry? Clients becoming jealous or needy because their hairdresser has cuts hair for some other chick, or that their real estate agent shows houses to other potential buyers or their project manager manages other projects? Yeah... wouldn't happen. It needs to stop. And now. And, the more I thought about it, the more it bugged me that this is the norm, so I thought I'd try to get to the bottom of why most brides seem to hate the idea of their wedding vendors having other clients... So, here are the three big ideas I had as to the reasons behind this craziness, and some ideas as to how we can fix it. Ready?

1. Exclusivity... Or lack thereof... Bridey, your wedding vendors have other clients, and you feel as though it somehow minimizes the enormity of your day. You're not the only one getting married. Yikes! Did I hit a nerve? In fairness, we all love the idea of exclusivity, and you are no different. So, if your vendors have other clients who have hired them to do the same thing, then you are not feeling the exclusivity you want and need to feel. Am I getting warmer, bridey? Look, I get it, I really do, but at the same time, bridey, your vendors having other clients won't make your wedding day any less special. You hired them because they are fantastic, so knock off the cray cray and let go of the drama.

2. Jealousy. I think jealousy should be considered a four letter word. Right? I mean, there is nothing worse than a jealous woman (sorry, true story!), and more than that, a jealous bride (oh dear God!)! Bridey, if you're worried that the more clients a vendor has then the less they care about you, you're coo coo. But, it happens! I once had a bride tell me that she felt like I was cheating on her (openly) when I mentioned that I was off to an appointment with another bride after our meeting. REALLY? Bridey, it's amazing, but your vendors do have the capacity to love and adore all of their clients. Well, the ones worth loving and adoring. So BE one of those clients and drop the jealousy routine. It's super annoying. 

3. Entitlement. Bridey, you're spoiled. You're used to being number one all of the time, and you hate it when your vendors have the audacity to put another bride before you. Why can't they make time to talk to you everytime you call? Why can't they meet you as often as you would like? Why don't they seem as enthusiastic as you do? Well, usually it's because they are working with a client (or several clients) whose wedding is before yours. Like, well before yours. Like a fucking year before yours. When you take a step back and look at the big picture, it makes sense, right? The best part? Your time will come too... Just be patient.

So, the message here? The big secret? Bridey, you're not my only client. If I am any good, I have lots of clients. So, please, go pee somewhere else.

Image via Scientific American

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Hey Bridey! Keep Your Bullshit Opinions to Yourself!

"Your prices are outrageous!" Yeah, that's how the conversation began with this potential bride. (Told you I am losing faith in humanity.) Nice way to start, huh? She had called a day prior requesting information about wedding packages, etc., although without the willingness to share a bit about herself, her "dream" and most importantly, her budget. So, I got as much as I possibly could get out of her before she abruptly ended the call. I hesitated, but then said, "Fuck it", and emailed the wedding packages and pricing for her to review.

Which brings us back to the beginning... "Your prices are outrageous!" Yeah, this bitch called back the next fucking day to share her feelings with me. Know what? I totally should have sent her the PITA wedding packages (they're ones which incorporate the Pain In The Ass fee). No, I don't actually have those, but it sure is tempting! OMG... I can only imagine how outrageous she would have thought my pricing was if I emailed those! Again, not that I have them...

Anyway, here's the thing... Some of you may find certain wedding vendor pricing "outrageous", and that's perfectly fine. Don't use them. Choose somebody else. But, please, bridey, do us all a favor and keep your bullshit opinions to yourself! I mean... There's really no need to call back and preach your outrage. Just move on. But, keep this in mind... Most vendors who rank on the pricey side of the spectrum? Yeah, they got there because they're fucking worth it.

I want you to do me a favor, bridey. I dare you to walk into Louis Vuitton and tell the chick helping you select the "perfect" bag that LV's prices are outrageous.

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ When Your Tacky Wedding Guests Cause a Stir

Bridey, if you know me at all, then you know I'm not a big fan Valentine's Day. It made me feel like shit when I was single, and still manages to make me feel like shit (in a different kind of way) as a married woman. Right? So, when I began working with a couple, helping them to plan their Valentine's Day wedding, I was a bit apprehensive. Would my disdain for the holiday come through? Would I accidentally slip and accuse them of being cheesy for wanting their wedding on such an annoying holiday? Surprisingly, I kept my shit together during the planning process, and the wedding was amazingly beautiful. Black, red and silver (of course), with super FAB uplighting and decor, and several cool treats for the guests. So, what has me in a bit of a tizzy? The wedding guests!

Yup! The fucking wedding guests! And it wasn't what happened during the wedding that pissed me off, it was what happened before and afterward that I find to be ridiculous! Three words... RED SOLO CUPS! Yup! Some of the guests were sitting in the lobby of this lovely hotel drinking out of Solo cups. OH.MY.GOD. Why? Why wouldn't they just head to the hotel bar and shut it down? Well, because these fuckers were to cheap to pay for the booze in the hotel bar. REALLY? And, then they were surprised and belligerent when they were asked to get rid of their cups? Dear God...

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ BB is Losing Faith in Humanity

This is an unbelievable story. Seriously. Even I can't believe it... But, bridey, listen... I have to change a few of the details or else this client will absolutely know that I am talking about her. And considering what a crazy fucking bitch she is, I wouldn't be surprised if she hunted my ass down if she accidentally stumbled across this post! Cool? Great. Here it goes...

So, from inception, this client was somewhat of a pain in the ass. Like, she knew that she needed planning assistance (and, I was the lucky planner... probably because I was the only one to call her back), but raged against the machine from the very beginning. It was like she hated that she needed help. Not only was she was late to appointments, but when she finally did arrive, she wasn't really engaged during conversation. Between that bullshit and he missing scheduled phone calls, this bitch didn't pay me until the day of the event (seriously, I almost didn't show up myself!). So, there are the CliffsNotes. Now let's get to the meat.

Fast forward to the day of the event... I was pacing until I saw her (holding my fucking check!), and when I finally did, she was her usual unemotional, bitchy self. All I kept thinking is that I couldn't wait for the event to be over. And if you've gotten to know me at all, that's not my MO. I love seeing my events come together; all the hard work coming through to fruition is the best feeling in the whole world! Anyway... So, the event is going well, somewhat anticlimactic, and then somebody took a fall and smacked their head. YIKES!

The worst part? It was a kid. Yup. A fucking kid took a digger and smacked the back of her head while getting her groove on... I had hired some fantastic entertainment, and this kid was rockin' hard on the dance floor, and then fell... OYE! So, procedure at the venue was to call 911. Yes, a bit drastic, but considering it was a kid, I really had no objection if the EMTs checked her out, but... my client? This bitch wasn't happy.

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ When Obama Fucks Up Your Wedding, and Other Unexpected Obstacles

I wasn't going to do it. I was going to steer clear of this one. Seriously, because Bitchless Bride is not a blog in which we share our political views, and voice our opinions and/or disdain for government bullshit. But, this is not political, it's just bullshit. And the more I thought about it, and the more I reread the article on Bloomberg (I believe they broke the news first) the more I couldn't let it go. I had to throw in my two cents about how Obama just had to "play through" his golf game even if that meant that bride, Natalie Heimel, and groom, Edward Mallue Jr., both U.S. Army captains, had to move their wedding ceremony last minute. Seriously? What the fuck, Obama?

I've read that the President had no idea Natalie and Edward were planning their wedding ceremony at the 16th tee box at the Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course. But, it all seems a bit fishy to me. NOBODY at the White House knew? Really? I find that hard to believe considering that the entire world knew that President Obama and his family were vacationing in Hawaii, and that the dude loves to plays golf on vaca... Just sayin'... And, when he (or one of his people) found out that two Army captains were planning on exchanging their vows on said golf course, perhaps the right thing to have done would have been to wait for the ceremony to end or skip the 16th hole altogether.

The other piece to this that really bothers me from a wedding planning standpoint? The disclaimer from the caterer responsible for arranging the ceremony with bride and groom. It states that if the president is in town, then "last-minute shuffling" (of the ceremony location) is a possibility. So, can somebody please tell me why they weren't proactive...

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Get a Muzzle for Your Mother! When Open Bar Turns Ugly...

You know what? I have FUCKING had it!!! To say that I am appalled at the behavior I have witnessed tonight would be the fucking understatement of the year. Seriously, I have never had to suppress the urge to backhand a mother of the bride in my entire career until now. And, trust me; I have had some pretty awful MOBs, but tonight? Oh dear God. 

Let’s talk about the bar at your wedding, shall we, bridey? Look, I have not made it a secret that I hate cash bars. That said, as a planner I’ve worked with clients who don’t have the means to purchase drinks for 150 of their closest friends and family members. These brides would rather spend their money on food and décor, and that’s just fine. I don’t have to like it, but I totally get it. But, on the flip side, bridey, if you choose to keep the bar open, then keep the fucking bar open and shut your fucking eyes. Don’t monitor each and every drink that is poured, drunk and then cleared by the staff. Don’t scrutinize the bartenders with your devil eyes (ahem… MOB). If you were at all concerned about the bar bill adding up, then you should have negotiated a per person package price for the booze BEFORE the wedding. Because a bar based on the number of beverages consumed can add up, and quickly.

“I don’t have a drinking crowd.” She said. Bullshit. Yes you do. Once your guests realize that they are not responsible for buying their own cocktails, you’re fucked. Because NOW, my dear, you have a drinking crowd. Somebody else is paying for their booze, so OF COURSE your guests are going to take full advantage! They’re going to drink their fucking faces off!

Annnnndddd…. Besides, scrutinizing the bartenders pouring abilities… You’re pissed because they accepted a tip? Fuck you. This is their livelihood! This is what they do to pay their rent! How dare you have the audacity to question it! Was there a tip jar? C’mon, that’s tacky. No. Was there a basket? Nope. Still tacky. Did some super smart gentleman drop a bill down ON THE BAR and quietly suggest that the bartender take care of him? Yup. Smart move if you ask me. Well, to say that the MOB did not like the bartender accepting tips “because I already paid him” is putting it lightly. Did she freak out? Yeah… And LOUDLY! 

Know what she said about the bartender? Actually, know what she shouted loudly about the bartender during the cocktail hour? “I hate him. He is disgusting.” REALLY? You hate him. He’s disgusting? OMG. Quit projecting lady; you're the disgusting one. It's not up to you if your guests want to take care of the bartender(s) for taking care of them. You can't ask your guests not to give an additional tip, and you can't ask the bartender not to take it. 'Tis the nature of the business. 

So, bridey, if you're going to provide an open bar for your guests at your wedding, then remember these two key points. AHEM... 1. It's DEFINITELY going to be more than you anticipated (if you did not go for a pre-negotiated per person beverage price). 2. Your bartenders will make additional tips. PERIOD. No basket or tip jar required. And if you don't like it, too bad. Keep your mouth shut, or better yet? Get a muzzle for your mother.

Image via Sweet Cocktails

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ A Crazy, Drunk Groom, a Naked Bitch and a Cinco de Mayo Witch

Let me start off by saying that our company must have some sort of magnet for the crazies.

Crazy #1, "The Drunk Groom"

Our company was hired by a bride and groom for their rental items. They requested delivery and set up the day before (nothing out of the ordinary). We arrived late afternoon the day before as promised with every item they rented. Set up was perfect, all good to go. Around 11:00pm that night, my phone rings. It's the groom. He's screaming that we were late and that the color is not at all what he wanted. It took us a while to actually make out what he was saying between the screams and slurred speech. My husband takes the phone and tries to explain that it is impossible for us to be late...everything was already set up and your wedding is tomorrow. And as far as the color, what are you talking about you saw the swatch beforehand. Somehow this man thought that it was going to look different in the room. He then demands that we switch out everything for a different color, which is impossible since it is now 11:30pm on a Friday. 

We try to explain that this is the color they ordered, we even send pictures of our linen swatches to show him. This only infuriates him more; he claims that he wants my husband to go there right now so he can kick his ass. Yes, this man on the night before his wedding is trying to fight us. My husband tells him to calm down, he's getting married tomorrow, and everything they ordered is there and ready to be used. The groom goes ballistic saying "How dare you f***ing threaten me?! You piece of sh**! You scumbag! I'm going to find you RIGHT NOW!” My husband responded, "Ok then, see you soon." We never heard from him again. 

The day after their wedding this man is supposed to be on his honeymoon (it was a destination wedding) enjoying his new bride, but no. He takes to the internet viciously bashing us everywhere he could, claiming the owner threatened him, we refused to help them, we were late to their wedding, and that everything was filthy. This was in 2012.

It is now 2014 and the man continues to stalk our company. Every few months we will receive notifications that he is updating his review or publishing reviews on companies that he thinks are related to us. 

Crazy #2, "Crazy Naked Bitch"

We were hired by a woman for a party at her home.

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ The Bridal Party Breakup

It's the truth hurts Tuesday brideys! And boy do I have a story for you! The best part of this story (actually, more like the worst)? It happened to me. And looking back, I definitely should have and could have handled it better, but frankly I feel like I never should have been in this situation in the first place. Actually, that's why I am choosing to share this story with you so that if you are in a similar position as a bride-to-be, you won't do what this bride did. I mean, she completely put me on the spot and forced a reaction from me that was kind, but not truthful. Any idea where I am going with this brideys?

Here's a hint... Don't ask a very new friend (new as in you've known her for about two months) to be your MAID OF HONOR! It's a hell of an honor and a huge responsibility, so if you don't know somebody well enough, then you might not realize just how much you are asking of them. Instead of the honor that it should be, it may feel more like entrapment to your friend

It's a Nice Day For a White Trash Wedding

I need to write about something funny after watching the horror from last Friday, and the news coverage from the weekend. Like most of you, I’ve spent the last few days digesting the complete evilness of one disturbed human being, and continue to be in shock and deep mourning for the people in Connecticut. So, I’m sharing with you a story that is so incredibly trashy, that you can’t help but laugh. And I think we all could use a good laugh right now. Right? Actually, if I’m honest, I swore that I wouldn’t write about this experience because of how trashy this wedding was, but now… I just don’t care. So enjoy this real life anecdote about a batshit crazy bride, her completely drunk husband and her very rich daddy.

 

Here We Go Again... Vendors Afraid of Being Hit on Weddingwire and Yelp!

**STORY SUBMITTED BY AN INVITATION PROFESSIONAL**

Hey BB,

I have to share a story with you. I know this bride who complained about everything (I know this is a huge shocker for you). Seriously, nobody could make this bride happy. Of course, her poor fiancé was a doll, and we all just wanted to say, “Why are you with her?! Run while can, please!." Yes, she was on a tight budget, I get that but…

Is There Really Always Something to be Thankful for?

You know how on Sunday I wrote a post about how "There is Always Something to be Thankful for"... Well, I spoke too soon. If you saw my posts on FaceBook and on Twitter yesterday, then you know that I literally had a rude awakening on such a lovely Monday morning. I walked out to my car, coffee in hand, ready to start a busy day before hopping a plane to see my folks, and my car had been stolen. Right? So after the shock wore off, my mind started racing... "Did I drop my keys near the car? Was I targeted? Did I park it somewhere else and forget?" But, then I realized... there was no mistake. My car was gone. 

How Barbie's Evolution Relates to Your Wedding

Barbie, she's the ultimate bitch. Right? Seriously, she's got long, long legs, a rack that won't quit and her hair is always perfect. Actually, everything about her is always perfect. I bet she's even really nice too. The problem? Yeah... she's not real, and if she were human they say that because her boobs are so big, this bitch would be walking on all fours just to support her upper body. So why, ladies, do we continue to compare ourselves to a doll; something that is so completely fake and almost untouchable (without loads of "plastic" surgery)? Kinda reminds me how of often you, bridey, compare yourself and your wedding to those insanely gorgeous yet entirely exaggerated "real" weddings seen on TV.

Tips Are Appreciated, Not Expected... Unless You Tell Me I'm Getting One

I've said this a million times before... Tipping is always appreciated, not expected. If you feel as though somebody has gone above and beyond for you, a tip is a nice way of expressing your appreciation. Gifts are nice too, but let’s be honest... money says it best!

But here's the thing bridey, it's one thing not to tip. Fine. I get it. But, if you request the names and positions of the people who participated in making your day special (AHEAD OF TIME), and then don't follow through... Well, that's just bad form. And frankly, it's rude.

The Big C... It's Not What You Think

{Image via www.ovca.com}

This post will make you angry. This post will upset you to your core (at least I hope it will). This post will piss you off. But, most of all this post will open your eyes to everything I have been saying since BB's inception... Brides can be a real bitch! Seriously brideys, if you feel nothing after reading this, then you are in desperate need some help and fast! I feel passionately that this story will move you, and help put your world of wedding planning into PERSPECTIVE! And if it doesn't, then please... lose my number.

Save Yourselves! Get Out Now!

Did you think I was lying? Did you think I didn’t know? Seriously, like I haven’t seen and experienced SEVERAL brides behaving like complete diva bitches when it gets to be their turn? C’mon… The day “The Reasons Why You Cannot Be a Bridesmaid” appeared on Gawker, BB received piles and piles of emails from our followers asking what I thought about the content. And not to sound like a complete asshole,

Sorry, But It Ain't Kosher...

As I am preparing for the "big one" this weekend, I've been reflecting on the wedding I produced this past Saturday, and if I do say so myself, it was absolutely spectacular! I don't know if it was the full moon or what, but the decor was out of this world, the bride was stunning and sweet (totally one of the good ones), the food... OMG... the food was absolutely incredible (and that cake... holy shit! I had some alone time with the red velvet heaven, and boy was I a happy camper!), but there was one little annoying aspect that only two people knew about; the cranky old man, and me.

And the Tree Was Unhappy

I'm going to take a cue from a MOG I recently worked with, and look at this upcoming nightmare of a wedding the way she looked at her son's wedding... she was just going to get through it. So, that's what I am going to do. I am just going to get through it. I AM JUST GOING TO GET THROUGH IT. Because I am so done. I don't care. I feel like the fucking giving tree (The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein), and right now I am down to a teeny tiny stump with absolutely nothing left to give. Actually, if I had any branches left, I'd use them to the whack the bitch, and completely fuck her over by quitting the day before her wedding.

I Hate Everything About You

I really don’t know how to say this delicately. I fucking hate you. I hate everything about you. I cringe when I see your name in my inbox or on my caller ID. I hate that you cc me on every single email. I hate that you emailed somebody at 4:30 PM on Friday afternoon, and just cc’ed me on your email to them this morning asking why you haven’t heard back. I hate that you refused to use most the vendors in my network, and now I am left to clean up their mess (already) and we haven’t even reached your wedding day yet. I hate that you refuse to let me manage your expectations. To put it simply bridey, I hate you. 

California Girls We're Undeniable

Story submitted and written by Broke Bridesmaid

Yeah, I will never, ever be in another wedding, ever again.

I had a friend, who lived in NY. I'm a Cali girl myself, but we got along so great that I thought we really did share similar views on life. When she asked me to be in her wedding in NY, I was actually excited.

I learned quickly... 50+ emails a day between all the bridesmaids. EVERY DAY. For TWO YEARS. If a bridesmaid didn't respond quickly enough to the bride's taste, guess who was asked to step in? That's right, me. Because I was the furthest one away, so the bride figured I wouldn't care if the other bridesmaids didn't like me.