Grooms

Fantasy Friday ~ A Super Glitzy, Super Fabulous, Same Sex Wedding

I can't! The top hats are too much! Right? Fucking love them!! And Francisco's veil? OMotherFuckingG! Amazing! But, it's the tuxedos that has me completely in awe... Francisco is wearing a silver Versace tux and Chris is wearing a sequined tux from Billionaire Italian Couture! I mean... WOW! And, just wait until you see their matching shoes! Truly FAB!!! Like, so fab, that I think I may need to own them immediately!

So, after crossing paths for years, these two finally decided that they needed to go on a date. And thank goodness they did or else I wouldn't have this truly glitzy, truly glamorous mansion wedding to share with you today. Oh! And, that life wouldn't be the same for them without each other! Bridey, there is so much inspiration for you to savor that I can't wait for you to scroll! So, enjoy!
I mean.... OMG! WOW!
Amazing bouquet!!!
Lovin' all of the bling!!
It really doesn't get much cuter!!
I.CAN'T.EVEN.
The glass? Their invitation! Deets are inscribed on the plate and finished with a silver bow!
Beautiful.
Sniff. Sniff.
I love the hands on the face kiss!!
Gorgeous cake!!
Yum!!!!
Thank you Chris and Francisco for sharing your gorgeous wedding with Bitchless Bride!

Industry Peeps:

Photographer: Casey Hendrickson Photography
Floral Designer: Garden of Eva
Caterers: Mintahoe Catering & Events & Scott McKenzie Catering
Cake Designer: Queen of Cakes
Personal Stylist: Sunrise Styling LLC
Event Venue: Van Dusen Mansion

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ A Bride's Tale of a Sexless, Shitshow of a Marriage... The Grey Area Between Cold Feet & Doubt

Gimme my soapbox because this girl is going to do a li'l bit of preaching today. And bridey, I'm not preaching about being a bitch while planning your wedding or the 5 "must haves" for your perfect wedding day because what I am about to share with you is much, much more important. It's about doubting your way down the aisle; knowing that each step closer to the altar is a step closer to your imminent divorce. Forget Canon in D, bridey... Your head is blaring Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Your head is screaming for you to turn the fuck around and make a run for it because it's much easier to skip the wedding than file for divorce.

Bridey "B", an old friend of mine who I've recently reconnected with, told me a story so juicy, so meaty, so, dare I say, messy (keep reading) that I immediately dropped the plan for today so that I could share her story with you. Our conversation began innocently enough... A few pleasantries, a few compliments, but, when she said that "...after marriage #1, which was a total shitshow for 10 months, I took a break from boys until I met superman", I couldn't shake it. I HAD to know more. Why was her first marriage such a short shitshow? What made the new guy "superman"? So I pressed her, and found out...

BB: "Question... Did you have a big, glamorous wedding with husband #1?"

Bridey "B": "Yes. Ritz Carlton ridiculous." (I KNEW it!! Total mask for the doubt!)

BB: "Did you KNOW it wasn't right when you walked down the aisle?"

Bridey "B": "Absolutely. I was like, 'All marriages have problems. I can handle the ones in store for me. I know this man.' Then he shit on my couch. Literally."

BB: "O Mothafuckin' G!" (Like you wouldn't say the same thing!!)

Bridey "B": "I could go on. He just felt like since he worked from home, clothes were optional, and toilet paper was too." (Brideys, to the outside world, this dude is impeccable! He works for fancy firm as a fancy consultant. Just sayin'... Definitely not the kind of guy one pictures doing what he did to that poor couch!)

**After a few more graphic details about the poop incident, I asked about when/how they met and some details of their relationship.**

Bridey "B": "He asked me for a cigarette. I gave him one... The sex was great. We traveled to far countries and ate at really fancy restaurants, and then one day, he decided that he didn't want to have sex; he was depressed."

BB:"Um, whaaaaaa? Dear God! Sex would have helped!"

Bridey "B": "We were already living together. I was already 30. I thought it was a phase. Turns out, he was having sex, but with strippers." (She didn't find this out until after the divorce.)

BB: "OMG!"

Bridey "B": "So, I married this guy who was my best friend, who wouldn't have sex with me, but that's okay, because sometimes couples don't have a lot of sex, right? My mom said, 'It sucks now, but when you're older, you'll be glad he's not chasing you around with handcuffs and lube.'" (I totally peed a little when she said this!I love funny moms!)

**Bridey, they were together for 6-7 years before they got married. Crazy, right?**

Bridey "B": "But, you know what happened. Brides get caught up in being brides and they're too scared to turn back." (No shit. No pun either.)

BB: "Yup! And then in retrospect... Would have been a lot easier."

Bridey "B": "Hard to tell whether you're going through a cold feet phase, or whether it'll work itself out in time or whether you're marrying a guy who will shit on your couch in six months." (BHHHAAAAAA!!!! I guess you never know!)

Here's the thing, bridey, you must listen to your gut (preferably before walking down the aisle to Canon in D) no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And, it will absolutely suck. And, it will absolutely hurt. But, marrying the wrong person sucks worse. My friend, Bridey "B"? She told me that the man she is with now, "superman", is the complete opposite of the asshole she married. Why she refers to him as superman? Well, "he would rather listen and learn, than fight." Plus, he's not fucking strippers or shitting on the couch... Always a plus!

In September of 2013, I wrote Let's Call the Whole Thing Off... How to Cancel Your Wedding (and Survive), and for good reason... Bridey, if this story is hitting a nerve, then do something about it! Because that pit in your stomach? It's not cold feet, it's doubt. And, I know it's super grey, and sometimes more white or more black, but, bridey? If you don't want to skip your way down the aisle, then it's not forever... TRUST ME! And, I know it's fucking scary. But, you are strong, and better to end it now then waste your life with somebody who you know isn't right for you. 

So, dig deep, read my "how to" on cancelling your wedding, and then go find your superman! Got it?!!

Image via KiKi & Tea 

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Don't Ignore The Writing on the Wall

So… I had a wedding cancel for the second time in my career a few months ago. I have been holding off on writing about it, out of respect for my bride, and while I wasn’t as heartbroken as she was (obviously), I was definitely sad and shocked so thought it was only right give it a little time before I spilled the beans. Because, this bride? Well, she is one of the good ones; a total Bitchless Bride who I care about and who very well may read BB so I didn’t want to add salt to the very open wound by writing about it too soon.

The reason my bride is so raw is because it the groom called it off, and did so 11 days before the wedding. ELEVEN DAYS. Just like that... CANCELLED! Holy fucking brutal. But, as sad and shocked as I was for the bride, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew that it was a possibility; that she knew deep down that this dude wasn’t right for her and simply chose to ignore the signs. I know, what a bitch! How could I even suggest that she KNEW?!! Because if she did know, then why go through the motions? Why progress with the wedding plans? Why kill yourself with all of the personal touches and DIY aspects if it was never going to happen? Right? Why not just walk away and quit while you’re ahead?

I’ll tell you why… Because it’s fucking hard to walk away from a life that you have known for six years. It’s comfortable, it’s easy and clearly she thought that whatever “it” was would pass.

Why I Love a Fake Wedding Band

Above... The fake wedding bands I carry in my emergency kit. 

I lost my wedding band. Seriously, I can’t find it anywhere. And I have to say that my hus has been pretty cool about it and hasn’t started to freak out (yet) because I tend to leave my “valuables” around the house. But, I was heading out for dinner and drinks with the girls, and felt weird leaving rockin’ only my engagement ring. Soooo… I dug into my emergency bag (you know, THE emergency bag? The one I use on your wedding day bridey…) pulled out a fake wedding band, and wore it with my engagement ring. And you know what? It’s shocking how real it looked next to my diamond. But, that’s not the point… The point is as I was gazing down at my fake wedding band bling, I remembered the story of Tim and Jessica, and the reason why I started packing fake wedding bands in the first place.

It's a Nice Day For a White Trash Wedding

I need to write about something funny after watching the horror from last Friday, and the news coverage from the weekend. Like most of you, I’ve spent the last few days digesting the complete evilness of one disturbed human being, and continue to be in shock and deep mourning for the people in Connecticut. So, I’m sharing with you a story that is so incredibly trashy, that you can’t help but laugh. And I think we all could use a good laugh right now. Right? Actually, if I’m honest, I swore that I wouldn’t write about this experience because of how trashy this wedding was, but now… I just don’t care. So enjoy this real life anecdote about a batshit crazy bride, her completely drunk husband and her very rich daddy.

 

5 Myths About Grooms that Never Fail to Make Me Want to Bang my Head Against a Wall...

***STORY SUBMITTED BY NEWLYWED, KAREN ROSE***

Dear BB,

I am absolutely itching to get a rant off my chest about being grateful for grooms. Here it is…

As a newlywed whose groom was super helpful during the wedding planning of our (key word being our) wedding, I feel the need to say a few words (see: rant) in defense of under appreciated hubbies-to-be everywhere. While I’m eternally grateful to my man for all his help leading up to the big day, it seems that not only are grooms totally underrated when it comes to wedding planning, they are often actively discouraged from lending a hand!

Here are 5 myths about grooms that never fail to make me want to bang my head against a wall...

Happy Anniversary to My Sneaky Love... Why I Still Love You.

Today is my (our) anniversary. And the sad part? Neither of us remembered. Right? Pathetic! But, in our minds, it will always be the Friday after Thanksgiving... in Vegas... Who needs the actual date when you have Vegas? We eloped. Just him and me. And if you want to know more, then read BB's 5 Reasons Why I Eloped over on the Huffington Post, but now it's time to explain how we pulled it off, and the secret to why we still love each other so fucking much. So get out your notebook brideys, because I am about to spill the beans on two very important, life changing topics; sneakiness and love. Yeah, usually they don't mix, but in this case it was meant to be. 

I'm Still in Recovery

Today I feel sick. Today I feel sad. And I know what this is all about... I have the after-wedding hangover. Irregardless of how much I fucking hated this bride, I worked my ass off for over a year making all of the details fit perfectly into this colossal event. I mean, I worked with her for sixteen months. SIXTEEN MONTHS! And even though she was a total bitch and pretty much every moment I spent with her was excruciating,

Practice Makes Perfect?

I can’t seem to get a conversation I had with one of my grooms out of my head, so I thought I’d share it with you. And brideys, you might want to sit down for this one because I’m guessing that this might hit a nerve… 

A few weeks ago I was meeting with a lovely young couple (like 25 years old young) getting married next spring. And after we finished discussing the details, the bride excused herself to “go pee”. When I looked up from my notes, I seriously thought the groom was going to lean in for a kiss because he was practically on top of me.

Stay Together... Not Just Forever

I woke up incredibly annoyed this morning. I don’t really know why, but I am, so bear with me as I write what will probably turn out to be more of a rant than a post. You see, I’ve been thinking a lot… too much actually about what I do for a living and how people who are not in “the industry” ALWAYS glorify what my job is really like. People constantly say that I should write a book based on how much crazy shit I have seen and continue to see at weddings. And you know what? Instead of a book, I prefer the Bitchless Bride blog. Because with this blog (I thee wed… HA! Sorry! It was there, so I took it!) I am able to educate you brideys and still reap the cathartic benefits of writing (which I desperately need today). But at the same time, your education is IMMEDIATE and free. And here’s another educational series for you to digest as BB continues to educate you on bitch prevention, and this time it’s about staying together.

Grooms and Your Bottom... Line

Does this sound familiar to you? You have all of the details planned, you are about to sign on the dotted line for 10K worth of absolutely stunning linen, chiavari chairs and stemware when out of nowhere, the groom swoops in and squashes your dream with his mighty checkbook (duh, I know nobody actually writes checks anymore, but it sounded better, okay?).

I know the feeling… You see as a planner, I see this ALL the time! And no matter how many times I tell you ladies to enlighten your grooms about the REAL budget, somehow you fuck it up. So, we go on several appointments, and the bride says, “Yeah, yeah… this is amazing. Let’s move forward with our design”.  And right as we get to the “alter”, the dream fizzles because the groom looks at the price tag and says, “No fucking way am I spending 10K tablecloths”!

Groomzilla

So you all know how BB feels about bridezillas, or at least asking if you are behaving like one, but one subject that often gets missed because “the industry” is so wrapped up with the bride, is the groom. And grooms can behave badly too. In fact, on the day of the wedding, sometimes it’s the GROOM who can be the pain in the ass of any wedding planner, venue manager, or caterer. And as we stated in our post for OneWed today, the groom may have a good reason… he’s lost.