A love letter from your wedding stationer...
Dear Bride and Groom,
Thank you for choosing Secret Squirrel as your stationer. I truly appreciate your business, but for Christ’s sake, let’s get a few “things” straight.
First, please know your fucking budget before you contact me! Didn’t think your stationery deserved a place in your financial breakdown? Listen, my product will make or break your event--seriously. You know those invitations that set the tone for your whole horse and pony show? They cost money. And those place cards and table numbers and reception programs and menu cards you want to all coordinate with your chosen theme? Open that pocketbook a little wider, friends, and hand your dough over. Quit telling me you didn’t think stationery needed to be budgeted, because I’m not making that shit for free.
Second, it’s time you two start communicating, or you’ll each be contacting me again for the NEXT marriage in your life--marriage number 2 and 3 and 4 and... Bride, don’t tell me “Oh, Groom doesn’t care what I choose” when I’ve asked you what HIS thoughts are on the design. To be honest, he does care, and it’s gonna cost you more money when you finally do communicate effectively and your stationery order needs to be changed. It’s called a “change fee” and maybe you should go ahead and budget this too. A friendly tip: Don’t fucking ask your future husband about stationery colors and designs while the biggest ballgame of the season is on TV. Learn the art of timing your important conversations NOW.
Third, my time is YOUR money. Quit emailing me every 2 hours with your petty questions and concerns, because I’m logging this shit and YOU will pay for each minute I spend answering AND reading an email from you. Emailing me to tell me that you “are thinking the floral print should include one more leaf on the bottom right side of the longest stem” pisses me off. You already approved the design, and if you change your mind, that’s not MY fucking problem. You should have thought of this brilliant idea a month ago, when you approved and finalized it.
And finally, how can you not know your own damn address? And your product is missing you say? Proofread your shit before sending my way.
I look forward to designing for you and truly value your business.
Secret Squirrel Stationer