Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle

So… I once knew a bride who gained ten pounds in ten days on her honeymoon… Right? Why? And more importantly, how? How could any “normal” girl gain ten pounds in ten days? Well, I know this will shock you, but… she had lost so much weight for her wedding (by not eating of course), that when she got on that Hawaiian Airlines flight to paradise, it was like somebody attached a feedbag to that skinny face of hers, and she never stopped eating. You know why? Because she was fucking hungry! She hadn’t eaten in months! And while I completely understand that you want to look amazing on a day where all eyes are on you, I have to ask… How far are you willing to go?

Brides, you all do it. You all go on these super restrictive diets before your wedding, and sometimes they make you plain ol’ crazy. Every last one of you! And you know what? It starts out innocently enough… “I’m going to make this a life change,” blah blah blah, but as we get closer and closer to your wedding day, you morph into this crazy, certifiable bitch. I mean CRAZY! Coo Coo! You become obsessed with your cleanse, counting points, Jenny Craig, or WHATEVER, taking it to a level that the diet plan never intended for it to go. And the aftermath ain’t pretty. Worst case? There is no aftermath… because there is no wedding.

Look… I get it. I promise, I do. I was once a bride, and beyond that I enjoy eating healthy and working out. But with some of you girls, I feel like I am living the Biggest Loser. I swear, one day the cloud of confetti is going to blind me, the clapping and cheering will deafen me, and your mom will be somewhere in the audience of the hotel crying about how proud she is of you. REALLY? Get a grip ladies, this is a fucking wedding. The prize is not $250,000.00; it’s your husband (or it should be anyways…). So stop trying to be perfect. Be healthy with your weight loss. Enjoy it instead of dread it by choosing a plan that you like; one where you don’t feel so restricted. Choose exercise that has you looking forward to working out. And for the love of God, have a piece of cake at your tasting. You deserve to enjoy every aspect leading up to the big day. And I mean every aspect. If you are a cranky bitch all the way to the alter, THAT is not you enjoying the process.

So please, if you really love the person you are going to marry, when it comes to losing weight for your wedding, be kind to yourself (and to others). Be disciplined and feel good. And remember, if you are really serious about this being a life change, then really live your life. Please don’t leave your fiancé finalizing the details with a loony, underfed bitch who needs to eat a fucking burger.