Fifty Shades of... Red

He was gorgeous. Like jaw-droppingly handsome. With piercing blue eyes, dark hair and perfect teeth all I kept thinking at the tasting was how badly I wanted to crawl under the table and… NOOOOAAAA! Gross. I was going with, crawl under the table and HIDE! Get your “Fifty Shades of Grey” minds outta the gutter. Seriously. I’m not E L James (because if I was, the book woulda been written much better… just sayin’).

I wanted to hide under the table because I was fucking furious. While this guy might have been easy on the eyes, his good looks were ruined the minute he opened his mouth. You see we were at the tasting… you know… about eight weeks prior to the wedding? The awesome moment when you get to taste all of the food that’ll be served on your big day? During our 3-hour meal together, “Christian” made it common practice to insult the parents of the bride. Statements like, “You don’t know what Sancerre is? Really? God, how do you people function in the world? “Clair” is lucky she found me.” Or, “Well done? You eat your meat well done? We are not serving it that way at the wedding. I want our guests to enjoy their meal.” Right? And the more Sancerre this bastard drank, the more comments spued from his beautiful mouth. Fucking RUDE. 

When you read our post on OneWed today, you will see that we are full of tasting advice and etiquette. We touched on telling the truth about the taste of the food, not getting plastered, leaving the entourage at home, etc. What I left out of that post: Don’t be a fucking asshole to your soon to be in-laws. Right? Like I should even have to write this shit. I mean, who cares if they don’t know what Sancerre is? Or if they like their meat well done. Don’t go out of your way to embarrass them in front of the group. (And while we are talking about bad behavior… bridey’s, please for the love of God, don’t be rude to your mom in front of me (or anybody else for that matter), it just makes you look like a crazy, bitch bride.)

So if I were to add a 7th rule to our post on OneWed, good behavior would have been at the top of the list. Got it? Good! Then put a muzzle on your groom, and keep your own shit in check.