Getting Married

When Starting Your Wedding Planning Feels Insurmountable… Why Starting in the Middle (or at the End) Can Change your Perspective… A Personal Anecdote + Some Advice

“UGH!!! I’m so FRUSTRATED!“ I whined loudly. “I have the idea, I know what I want to say, but I cannot get it out of my head and onto the fucking paper.” I said banging my head on the desk

“So, don’t start at the beginning.” My husband said causally. “Start in the middle or at the end.

“Oh my God! You’re a fucking genius. Why didn’t I think of that?” I said. 

“Because, I’m smarter than you.” he teased.

But, the thing is, I did. I did think about starting in the middle; just not for the project I was struggling to begin... I thought about that for you, bridey, in an earlier post about quitting your wedding planning. But, this recent stroke of genius (thanks to my hus) got me thinking that perhaps I should help you to change your perspective. Change your focus, and start your wedding planning from the middle instead of from the beginning. Or at the end instead of the middle. Or at the beginning because that is what works for you. I mean, sure there’s etiquette, and timelines and “suggestions”, but if it doesn’t work for you, then fuck it! It really doesn’t matter where you start. Start wherever the inspiration is flowing. Just start. That’s what I did, and it totally worked. 

Just like you, bridey, I felt (and still feel) completely overwhelmed by this project because I’ve never done it before, and I really have no idea what I’m doing. I’m in unfamiliar territory, and hot damn is it uncomfortable! Right??! And, although we’re in the midst of two completely different obstacles, it’s an obstacle nonetheless. But, starting in the middle changed my trajectory, it changed my path, it made this project feel like something I could absolutely accomplish, but at my pace and in my own way. 

It felt a lot like when I started the BB podcast. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Like zero idea. I knew I wanted to host my own show, and say whatever felt right (for me, but more so for you, bridey), and this was how I was going to do it. Over the years, I had been in bed with a few networks, trying like mad to bring Bitchless Bride to TV, but their fear of out-of-the-box concepts and something different than what’s already out there stifled my dreams, and my dream for you. So, I took the plunge! I jumped right in. And, I hired professionals to make it sound FAB, edit + produce it, and now it’s all mine. 

So, now, I’m starting this new and extremely intimidating project (attempting to write a pretty cool wedding show with a kickass production company), and it’s scary. And, until my hus suggested that I start in the middle, the struggle was VERY real. But, then I started. In the fucking middle!! And, unlike the podcast, where I jumped (more like leapt into a trust fall), this needed some more finessing, more thought, and a lot more structure (if you listen to my podcast, you know what I mean!). 

So, my advice for you, bridey? Listen to yourself. Where do YOU want to begin? What part of your wedding planning excites you? Then start there! You’ll be amazed at how quickly that excitement morphs into the planning the next step, and the next and the next. Your own excitement can be self-contagious (think I just made that up!). It will push you forward, and you may even enjoy the process! Just be sure that if you have your heart set on a particular venue/band/photographer, to give yourself enough time to secure them or that you’re date flexible (i.e.: Friday, Sunday or off season). Otherwise, dive in! Got it? Good! Then stay Bitchless!

Photo by Heather Miller on Unsplash

What's Your "Why" Behind Wedding Planning?

For LC + NV.

For LC + NV.

My mom and one of my close friends work for a company that provides pretty amazing training and seminars for their teams around the country. And their BIG thing? The “thing” they ask to get juices flowing and bodies moving? It’s a very simple question meant to brew up some pretty big answers. The question is, “What’s your why?” What’s your dream? The thing(s) in your belly that gives you butterflies when you think about achieving it or conquering it, the thing(s) that get you excited or terrified or both, the thing(s) that keep you going... What is your motherfucking why? Well, I clearly added that last part in, but the question remains the same. And, after a few strong cocktails and fancy food, my friend asked me what my “why” was; what got my juices flowing? What scared me? What excited me?

I thought it was pretty obvious, but I told him that my “why” was to give every part of my life everything I had. Right? Or else there is no “why”! In clearer terms, my “why” is to be a fucking rockstar mother (who accidentally swears in front of her kids), a trophy wife (not the fake bullshit, but a wife who supports her hus, and at the same time makes him proud to be married to her), to bring Bitchless Bride off “paper” and onto TV (stay tuned for more on that), to bring perspective into weddings and wedding planning, and most of all, my “why” HAS GOT TO BE to enjoy my life as it’s happening. And, bridey, that was not the sauce talking, (although maaaaybe it helped me to vocalize my “why” more definitively), it was the juice mixed with some butterflies.

So, allow me to ask you the same question, but in regards to your wedding... “What’s your ‘why’ behind wedding planning?” What gets you motivated to make it all happen? To celebrate the shit out of your nuptials? What get you excited or nauseous? Why do this? Why go through the process, the planning, the pain? Because we all know it ain’t easy... So, what’s your “why”?

A few ideas about your “why” that come to my mind based upon my years of wedding planning, coaching, writing, and, ahem… preaching?

1. I think the most obvious answer is because of your intense love for your sig other. Right? And, if it’s not, then it should be! But, seriously, all of this work shouldn’t be in vain. If your sig other isn’t the driving force behind your “why” of wedding planning and oh, I don’t know, getting married, then stop what you’re doing and reevaluate. It’s better to realize this now, instead of 1.5 kids later… Truly loving your sig other will make the wedding planning SO much more bearable! IF this is your number one “why”, then congratulations, bridey, you’re in it for the right reasons!!

2. You’ve “earned” it. You love your sig other, and you’ve been to SEVERAL weddings together over the last few years, and now it’s your turn to create an event that is about you and your love. Share who you are together through your wedding. Make it memorable and awesome!

3. You’re smart. You’re smart together. You’re a smart couple who are budget savvy. You’re not going to fuck it up with overspending, drama and unrealistic expectations. Just celebrating.

4. “If I get married, I want to be very married.” Audrey Hepburn said that. Be very married, bridey. Be in it. Be content. Be courteous. Be conscientious. But, more than anything else, and as I just mentioned, enjoy your life as it’s happening… TOGETHER.

Bridey, your “why” is your truth behind wedding planning. While I’ve shared the most “popular” “why’s”, I can’t completely answer this question for you. However, I’d make pretty damn sure that I was doing it for the right reasons, and that your “why” equals that of your sig other. Got it??

Photo by Dominik Vanyi on Unsplash

Shifting from the ‘Getting Married’ Phase to the ‘Getting Divorced’ Phase and Why...

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***I originally shared this piece on Huffington Post, but the response was strong enough that I wanted to share it with you here too. Bridey, this is definitely more of an already married post, but with a message about how important it is to put the same energy into your marriage as you put into planning your wedding.***

Bridey, suddenly, I find that I am at the age where people are getting divorced not getting married, and it’s totally fucked up. It hit me like a ton of bricks the other night after a few cocktails, and a lot of interesting conversation with some incredibly strong women sharing tidbits of life over some fried pickles (they’re really good) and French fries. I know, disgusting…but, it was a delicious guilty pleasure! Anyway, when I got home, I had a fucking epiphany and thought, “Oh shit, I am officially out of the getting married phase and in the divorce phase. How the hell did I get here, and so fast?”

The thing is, none of the ladies I was with are getting divorced, but we started talking about how hard marriage can be; juggling our careers, all of the kid shit, lives of our own, and through all of that, seeming to lose our connection with our sig other. And with thatclarity, it’s pretty easy to see why people get divorced… Because marriage is hard. Marriage is something that requires a ton of work and sacrifice, and sometimes it’s easier to give up that to put the work into it.

But, I wonder what would happen if we put the kind of pressure on ourselves for our marriage to be “perfect” instead of our wedding to be “perfect”. Seriously, think about how much, time, money and energy go into planning a wedding. Weeks and months and for some people, even years, right? And at the same time, think about how much time, money and energy go into getting a divorce? About the same (if not more) as your wedding… Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees the irony in that correlation! Right? Now ask yourself why we focus on ONE day, one fucking day, being “perfect” as opposed to focusing that energy into our marriage being “perfect”. Why should that one day, the first day of our marriage, be worth more than a lifetime of marital bliss. WHY?

It’s not. Your wedding day is not more important, but some people treat it as if it is; as if it’s the only thing that matters and the rest will fall into place afterwards. And, you know what? That’s bullshit. My vantage point as a wedding planner and as a married woman of more than a decade? Well, it seems as though you’re a whole lot less likely to give up planning a wedding when the stress feels overwhelming simply because you recognize that the stress is temporary, and a whole lot more comfortable giving up a marriage simply because the stress feels indefinite. But, what if we merged these feelings? What if we allowed ourselves to acknowledge that it’s okay to not be happy every.single.day of our marriage (because you won’t be), and that just because today sucks (and potentially next week too), doesn’t necessarily mean that we should quit (unless there is physical danger and/or abuse… then quit and run!).

Unhappiness can be temporary too, but only if you allow it to be. We could be talking about any facet of your life in which you are unhappy, and once you realize that it’s temporary, and you have control over it, it feels better, right? You decide to not be unhappy anymore, and work your ass off to fix what’s broken. You don’t deem yourself “bad” for being unhappy, so don’t do it in your marriage. Marriage is hard and could have made June Fucking Cleaver unhappy, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the two of you are “bad” together. It just means that you need to communicate and put time into it; just like you did when you were planning your wedding. And, please don’t mistake my tenacity to make it work for naivety. I know that “working at it” won’t fix all marriages, and that some are doomed from the beginning. However, I do think we give up too easily when things get tough as opposed to at least trying to move forward… TOGETHER.

Image via Kev Seto