Mother of the Bride

Bitchless Bride’s Top 11 Wedding Day + Wedding Planning Regrets

Let’s face it, we all have things we’ve come to regret in our lives, right? Because retrospect is a powerful, powerful phenomenon, but also because we are older, and we’ve come to realize that some of the stuff we obsessed over or prioritized, were just stupid. And, we, you and me, are really the only ones who can look back at our lives, recognize our mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them, right? Sort of. While I can’t undo the losers you (and I) dated before finding your sig other, I CAN offer you some pretty compelling advice about what other brides deem as their wedding day + wedding planning regrets for you to learn from and avoid. Some regrets are serious and some are silly, but both can leave a damper on your day. Ready?

1. Don’t be a bitch! You know this is a total hot button for me, but more than that, nothing good will come from being a ‘zilla. Nobody will want to help you. Nobody will respect you. And, nobody will want to be your friend. (And, nobody will want to come to your wedding!) So just be friendly. You’ll be amazed at what good can come from simply being human. Plus, you’ll regret it. I think it’s fair to say that no matter what the situation, we always end up regretting our shitty behavior. Right?

Side note? A friend of mine shared with me that I would have “hated her ‘zilla ass” because of how she behaved while planning her wedding, and also on her wedding day. Looking back, she 100% regrets her shit behavior, not only for obvious reasons, but because when she thinks about her wedding day, memories of her bad behavior squash the good memories. Yikes! So, just don’t be a bitch!

2. I am a fancy shoe wearing whore. I love anything super high, and super fance! I love the glitz, the glitter and the glam. But, not wearing comfortable shoes on your wedding day is a mistake. Because we all know that when our feet hurt, it can truly make you feel awful. Definitely an emotion you want to avoid on your wedding day. So, what are your options? Go for lower, more comfortable shoes or bring a replacement pair for after you’ve walked down the aisle/take photographs/danced your first dance. Oh, and put them in the freezer until you wear them. I know it’s crazy, but just do it. You can thank me later!

3. I am all for saving money with talented friends or family members, but not hiring a professional to do a big job (photographer, DJ, caterer) is a huge mistake! A mistake that you will regret when you have shitty pictures, or the entertainment sucks and nobody is dancing. Bridey, call in favors for the DIY elements that are simple, and leave the big jobs to the professionals. Got it!?

4. Who’s guest list is it anyway? Who’s wedding is it? Is it yours? Or your mothers? Sorry MOBs + MOGs, but the pressure you’re putting on the bride and her sig other is bullshit. It’s upside down. This is a celebration; an expensive one. A once in a lifetime gathering of people that want to share in it’s beauty. And, it’s unfortunate and sad when there are too many of the wrong people, and not enough of the right ones. So, fuck etiquette, and listen to your soul. You know who should and shouldn’t be on that list. Take charge, bridey, and fight the good fight! And, if you can’t (because of family dynamics, money, etc.), then strategically place your tables at your reception. Have your favorite people near you, and the others further away… 

5. A long, boring, and generic ceremony. Waaaa waaaa. Those suck. Right? Plus, it’s totally possible that you will be bored too! And, there is nothing worse than being bored at your own wedding, so add some spunk. Write your own vows, have a classical guitarist/harpist/banjo player, bring your heritage to your ceremony or even somebody else’s. Just make it memorable for you and your guests!

6. This one is tricky because I know that there is some superstition around seeing each other before the wedding. But, I will share with you, bridey, that seeing your sig other before the wedding will ease the pressure of walking down the aisle and falling apart at first glance, AND will allow you to get several of your photographs taken before the ceremony so that you two can make it to your cocktail hour (see #10). Plus, staging a first look is a pretty surreal opportunity. You can feel what you are going to feel, together, without 300 eyeballs on you. Think about it…

7. Relinquishing control to the wrong hands. Remember #4? Same idea. It’s lovely that your mom, or sister, or future MIL or future SIL want to help you plan the wedding. It really is… until it’s not. Be sure that the people helping you are actually helping you, not just creating (or recreating) a day that is less about you and your sig other, and more about satisfying their own needs. Find your voice (nicely), and use it. This is your day. Your life. This day represents who you are as a couple. Not what anybody else thinks it should be.

8. Is a bridal party necessary? I don’t have the answer to this question. But, some of my brides have totally regretted the drama their bridal party brought to the planning, and to the wedding day. Sometimes, not having a bridal party is sweeter. It allows those who want to step up, step up without pressure, and with utter joy. Your friends and family will still celebrate you, but in a different kind of way. Think about it. (And, then picture the ceremony… You + Sig Other + Officiant = Pretty Awesome.)

9. Your wedding day will be the fastest day of your entire life. I’m not being dramatic, just honest. For all of the planning and money that goes into it, it totally FLYS by. So enjoy it. Love it. Savor it. Try to avoid getting wrapped up in some of the formalities + obligatory shenanigans, and instead be 100% present for every.fucking.moment because you’ll blink, and it will be over.

10. Try to talk to everybody at your wedding. I know that sometimes it’s easier said than done, but not getting a chance to talk to everybody because you spent too much time taking photographs or the guest list was to big, or because you didn’t have any time at the cocktail hour (a GREAT opportunity to chat with everybody) can leaving you feeling sad or guilty. And that that’s definitely not a lasting memory you want. So start talking!

11. I’ve mentioned this before, but your wedding day is a fabulous chance to hold hands with your sig other for the ENTIRE night. Don’t have separate evenings, bridey; not tonight. Hold that dude or girl tight and have the only time apart be when you’re indisposed. 

I hate to say it, bridey, but I could have added at least five or six more “regrets” to this list. But, I think I’ve covered the ones that seem to present themselves the most. And, like I said, while I can’t undo some of the losers you dated or that time you ran naked in the quad, I can undo these 11 regrets before you have the chance to regret them. So, you’re welcome!!! Good luck!

Photo by Dương Trí on Unsplash

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Five Ways to Get Your Parents Under Control While Planning Your Wedding

Bridey, if you have difficult parents (and that's being nice), raise your hand. If you are looking for some refuge during your wedding planning, raise your hand. Right?!! The first step is admitting it! Because bridey, it's nothing to be ashamed of; you're not alone, trust me. Pretty much every single bride I have worked with has had some shit with her parents, and even those of you with lovely relationships deal with issues from time to time that can make your blood boil. That said, I hope that you are at the age where you've learned how to manage said issues and the litany of bullshit which can wreak havoc on your wedding plans.

After one of my more recent conversations with a truly cray cray mother of the bride (MOB), who during the course of one conversation managed to completely undo all of progress I had made with the bride, it occurred to me that I feel like I need to share a bit of advice about how to control your parents while planning your wedding. 

1. Manage your expectations and set boundaries, and early. Your parents (although usually it's your mom, sorry, but true) are not going to change. So, once you get engaged, agree to be a united front so that your are not putting your vendors in a position of refereeing during (or after) your appointment. Not only is it super uncomfortable for us, but it's awkward and confusing. We walk away wondering whose wishes we are suppposed to grant. Yikes! 

2. Give your parents a really important job (outside of paying the bill). Let them choose the music for the parent dances. Or, ask them to welcome your guests. Basically, something that will make them feel involved with the planning and touched at the same time.

3. Invite them to the tasting. But, establish (or remind them of) the boundaries prior to the appointment. Bridey, you don't have to let them choose the entire menu.

The Truth Hurts Tuesday ~ Mother of the Bride Blues

So... I received this "Ask Bitchless" in my mailbox the other day and feel as though the only way I can possbily respond is "in person"... And considering my own parents were married on a Tuesday, I have a few words of wisdom for the "Internal Eloper". Here's her dilemma:

Hello BB,

I’m in need of some advice. My fiancé and I have decided our wedding date (yay!). It’s Wednesday, October 29, 2014, the exact date of our ten year anniversary. SCREETCH! Did you say WEDNESDAY?! Yes, Wednesday. We wanted to keep our original anniversary date, but have only one hold up... my mother.

My parents are traditionalists and believe that weddings are reserved for Saturdays, and that the parents of the bride should be the ones funding the soiree. That being said, they want us to change the date to sometime later in 2015 so that they have time to gather the funds, and for us to choose a weekend date so that my grandmother (and all of her extended family who I have never met) can see her only granddaughter get married. As my mother said, "this day is not about you. It is about your grandma. Don't take this pleasure away from us." Am I crazy? Am I turning into a bitchy bride by wanting to keep my original date? Please let me know.

Sincerely,

Internal Eloper

What a Double Mastectomy Has to do with Wedding Planning

Today was my day to babysit... It was my day to provide support, both physically and emotionally; except this time it wasn't for a needy bridey. It was for my best friend. And seriously, it's been a long time since I  took a trip to the toilet with another chick who wasn't sporting a wedding dress, but... you do what you have to do for the people you love. And today, her husband needed to step out for a bit, so I stepped in to look after my girl. You see, she was released from the hospital yesterday evening after undergoing a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy on Monday. But... that's a whole other story...