I’m absolutely ecstatic to be featured for the fourth time on Yahoo! Finance!
Bridey, you know that over the years I have strongly suggested that you hire a wedding planner no matter your budget, and no matter how large or small your wedding is? Well, I haven’t been blowing smoke up your ass. There are some seriously solid reasons to hire a wedding professional to help you with your wedding plans, logistics and the several other moving parts for your big day. And, as I have preached this sentiment over and over again on Bitchless Bride until I am fucking blue in the face, some of you still would rather wing it. And, I get it. I really, really do. We are not cheap. We feel unpractical. We feel superfluous. But, we are not. We are “fixers”, not in the Ray Donovan kind of way (we aren’t hiding any bodies or embezzling money), but in the true sense of the word, FIX. We clean up some pretty big messes, literally and figuratively, and we make sure that you never know there was a mess in the first place. And, frankly, that alone is worth our price, and then some.
I’d like to share an anecdote with you based on a recent wedding that went off without a hitch (pun absolutely intended)… Well, that’s what the B+G would tell you because they didn’t know what really happened behind the scenes. They didn’t know about how I re-iced part of their wedding cake after somebody literally rammed into it (before the B+G saw it), scooped dog shit off of the dance floor, filled a gaping hole in the floor of the tent with rocks so that ankles wouldn’t be broken, adjusted the diagram so that the tables matched the wishes of the bride (and people wouldn’t sit at the wrong table), and creatively hid some of the filthy linen that was provided by a third party vendor. Bridey, would these mishaps have ruined their day? Probably not. Would they have caused unnecessary drama and stress? Absolutely.
“Are you the wedding planner?”, she asked.
Uh-oh… That was not a good question when the face staring back at me looked frightened and mortified all wrapped up into one.
“I am.” I said confidently.
“I am SOOOOO sorry, but I just tripped and bumped into the cake.” she said with embarrassment (and fear).
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” I said as I began heading towards the cake, not knowing what I was up against.
HOLYSHITGODDAM. Yeah, that’s what I thought when I saw that fucking cake. I mean… She FELL into the cake. Seriously, I’m surprised she didn’t have frosting dripping from her elbow. Fuuuuuccckkkk…. So, I took a deep breath, remembered that I studied pastry a lifetime ago, and went into action. I borrowed a flat spatula from the caterer, stole icing from the extra cakes we had for service (the ones in which wouldn’t be seen by the guests), and fixed that cake. The guest was relieved and I was the hero that nobody would ever know existed. Phew!
“Is that shit?” asked the DJ.
“Huh?” I responded.
“Is that shit on the dance floor?” he asked (again).
“Yup. That’s shit.” I said.
SERIOUSLY? Yup. There was shit on the dance floor. Not human (THANK GOD), but dog shit. In retrospect, I really shouldn’t have been surprised. We were in a GIANT tent in a beautiful backyard and there were dogs. Not running around during the wedding, but I’m thinking they went out prior to, pooped, and were then stowed in the house. Somebody must have stepped in the poop and then headed to the dance floor. UGH. So, I got a hot, wet rag, dropped it on the floor (all very casually), and pretended to dance a little bit all while wiping the shit from the floor. Certainly a new experience for me.
“There’s a hole.” a dude from catering staff said.
“In in bucket?” I couldn’t help myself!
“No. In the floor near that guest table.” he said pointing to a FUCKING hole in the floor next to a guest table (that couldn’t be moved at this point in game).
“Ugh.” I mumbled.
What to do? What to do? ROCKS! There were tons of rocks on the property that I could stuff into that fucking hole. I had pockets in my suit coat… So, my assistant and I filled our pockets with rocks, dropped them into the hole in the floor, stomped on them, and took care of a potential liability. Again, a hero that nobody would ever know about.
“The tables are backwards.” I said as the rental company was leaving.
“No they’re not.” he said.
“Look.” I said as I showed him the diagram that the bride worked her ass off on.
Yeah. Oh! That simple mistake could have cost a shitload of confusion as guests were taking their seats. So, I fixed it, and I have a large bruise to prove it.
Bridey… All of this happened on the day of the wedding. Quite frankly, there’s a few more details I could share, but those were the highlights. And, after all of that hard work + planning that went into this FABULOUS event, those “things” that happened ON THE WEDDING DAY, could have very well undone everything. We went round and round over the logistics, food, music, budget, YOUNAMEIT!!!! So, even if you’re working with a small budget, consider hiring a wedding planner as your “happiness insurance”. Can’t afford a full-time planner? Then hire a “day of” or “month of” planner to help you, and to be there on the day of your wedding so that you’re not faced with potential disaster. Got it? Good! Stay bitchless!!!
What if you were brave enough or crazy enough or loony enough or coo coo enough to take your wedding and your wedding planning offline? Like no online anything... No online planning. No finding your wedding vendors online, no Pinterest (yikes!), no free advice (including mine, and I’d fucking miss you, but sometimes you have to let go of the people you love), nothing. I mean holy shit, how would that even work? How would you manage to plan your wedding without these tools, these helpful tips, these “things” we’ve become so dependent on? Seriously, how the fuck did our parents do it? And well? Right? But, something tells me you’d find a way, and maybe, just maybe you’d even like it.
Bridey, I realize what I am asking you to do. And, frankly, I don’t know how possible it is because we’ve all become so accustom to finding anything, and pretty much everything we need, want and don’t want with a swipe of a finger. Myself included!! So, why am I asking you to make it harder on yourself? How could I possibly ask such a HUGE “ask” of you during such a stressful time in your life? I mean, planning a wedding is hard enough, right? So much to do, so many details, so many things…
Well, I’m 100% convinced that taking your wedding offline will bring the humanity back into planning. You will have the opportunity to really connect with your vendors, your family, your friends and even your sig other. We have become so disconnected because of the ease of gathering information, that even a friendly phone call to inquire about flowers or catering or wedding cake can make you feel good about your choices; good about people in general. You’ll get a feeling that you won’t get by filling out a questionnaire online. You’ll get to FEEL. And, hopefully that feeling will be one of excitement and joy. It’s amazing what a good conversation can do for your soul.
My birthday was a few weeks ago, and it was a fabulous day! I felt like a queen on FaceBook, my phone was blowing up with texts, I got some amazing presents, but my favorite part? My oldest friend, who lives across the country, called to wish me, “happy birthday”, and we chatted for over an hour. I have known her since I was six years old, and although we don’t talk often, she is somebody who will be in my life forever no matter how much time goes by… And, outside of it being a great day because it was my birthday, that phone call made me so happy. She absolutely could have texted me with birthday wishes, but actually talking? Amazing. Do I expect you to feel this kind of joy after you talk with a potential wedding venue? No, but it’s more likely that the person on the other end of the call will make you feel happy and excited about your wedding in a way that a questionnaire can’t. It’s more likely that you will make a connection on the phone instead of online. It’s more likely that you will feel joy from actually speaking with somebody about a pretty important day in your life as opposed to typing about it…
So, where do we go from here? How do we do this? Honestly? I have no fucking clue! Ask your mom! Somehow she managed to plan a wedding without Pinterest. Although, I think a great place to start is by picking up the phone and calling instead of picking up the phone and swiping, even if it’s only to one of your vendors. Or, call your friend and ask who did her gorgeous flowers instead of texting her. Allow yourself to get lost in great conversation.
Bridey, is this whole offline wedding challenge logical? Doable? Manageable? I don’t know, but what I DO know is that taking a break from the continuous, endless web of choices might help connect you to your vendors, your family and your planning. Please, take this offline wedding challenge, and call it an opportunity to really connect instead of submit.
Has anybody taken this “old school” approach? How’d it go? Who’s willing to give it a try??
Bridey, I have been DYING to share this styled shoot with you! Like DY ING to share this... Not only because it's fucking FAB U LOUS, but it's colorful and unique and striking and cool and different and kickass and contains a shitload of inspiration! And, did I mention that there's a contortionist? A FUCKING contortionist! OMG, can you imagine if you had a contortionist at your wedding? Oh, and there's a bearded lady and a burlesque dancer and a cake that makes me want to dig out my pasty bag and start decorating! I.CAN'T.EVEN.
Look, bridey, do I think it's realistic for you to incorporate all of these fascinatingly surprising elements into your wedding plans? Not at all, but I dare you to give yourself creative license to have fun, and break out of the traditional wedding planning mold. You have my permission to go a little cray... Seriously, just think about the conversations your guests would be having about a burlesque dancer or contortionist taking over the bar at your wedding? Combine that with a photo booth? Yeah... And, just like that, your wedding goes from standard to stupendous. Think about it... Enjoy, and be inspired!
See what I mean about the cake? Totally insane!
You'll never see a movie theater in the same way again!
A gorgeous burlesque dancer and the red carpet lady...
Look closely... RIGHT? See the bearded lady + contortionist! WOW!
I am in awe. Probably one of my favorite pics ever on BB!!!!
I want to frame this pic. For real.
Yes! A million times, YES!!!!!
Luscious. That's the only word that comes to mind... FUCKING LUSCIOUS.
To all of the FABULOUS industry peeps who put this incredible styled shoot together... THANK YOU for sharing with Bitchless Bride!!!!
Photographer: Tuan B & Co
Concept, Design + Event Planning: Fierce Productions
Furniture Rentals: Strangelovely
Other: New Moon Chicago
Cinema + Video: Whitney Cinema
Place Settings: Vintage Place Settings
Hair Stylist + Make Up: We Only Do Pretty
Cake: Bon Vivant Cakes
Invitation Designer: Spilled Ink Press
Jewelry: Hopscotch & Soda
Groomsman Attire: Richard's Fabulous Finds
Millinery + Veil Designer: Debra Shirley
Bride Apparel: Edith Elan
Floral Designer: Sprout Home
Event Venue: Logan Theatre
Bearded Lady: Alma, Draqqueen
Bridey, drop whatever it is that you're doing, and check out this amazing styled shoot! Even if you're not a 'get married on the water' kind of girl, you won't want to miss this! Because if nothing else, it's fucking amazing with amazing details and the most amazing wedding cake I've seen in a very long time. But, not just that... This shoot is plain ol' pretty with a lot of prettiness to look at!
I love the idea of adding "props" to your wedding to make it more authentically "you". If you and your sig other do a lot of traveling, then a globe makes perfect sense! And the plane? Hell yeah! But, bridey, the reality is, don't be afraid to do what YOU (and your sig other) want to do. Because the beauty really is in the details... And the details are what make you two the collective YOU! Now, go... Enjoy this lite and fun styled shoot!
You know how sometimes when you see something so awesome you have a physical reaction? That was me when I saw these GORGEOUS invitations! I mean... Talk about perfection for this air/water vibe!
Bridey, you know I love cake, right? Like not just like, but really, really LOVE! And when I see a BEAUTIFUL cake done so well that it literally brings tears to my eyes, showing you one pic just won't do. Soooo... I have like five pics of the cake in this post!!! Keep scrolling!
Right? Like, STFU! It's so awesome!!
This whole scene is just incredible. It 100% makes me feel as awesome as I feel the second I step off of the boat in Nantucket!
Anytime a man places his hand on my face or neck before a kiss, I seriously melt (and by "a man", obviously, I mean my hus!!).
Hey now! This is not a boudoir shoot people! It's DAMN sexy though!
This venue is A MAZ ING! WOW!!!
Inside or out, this cake is just FAB!
Thank you FABULOUS industry peeps for submitting this incredibly beautiful and inspiring styled shoot!
Photographer: Wings of Glory Photography
Transportation: Jones Brothers & Co
Cinema + Video: Lang Film Company
Event Designer: Weddings by Carly Ane's
Tuxedo + Mens Attire: Any Tux 45 Bucks
Hair Stylist: Brie & Brie//The Emerald Fox
Cake Designer: Cut The Cake, Inc.
Invitation Designer: CZ Invitations, LLC
Apparel: One & Only Bridal Boutique
Design + Decor: RW Events
Event Venue: Tavares Pavilion on the Lake
I'm fucking obsessed with this place setting. OB SES SED. The red, the sparkles, the delicious apple escort card holder... Seriously, there is so much luring me in that personally, the only thing missing is a cocktail. Like you weren't thinking it too... A l'il something bourbon would be perfect, right? Good thing I'm drinking a heavenly bourbon concoction as I write or else I'd really be in trouble. But, anyway...
Wait until you see the cake. OMFG. It's absolutely breathtaking. Like... WOW! And, the dress? Oh! And the flowers? Wait, wait, wait... You know what? Just go scroll! Because, this shoot is chock full of truly wonderful inspiration and passion. Enjoy!
I love everything about this... I especially love the mixed fonts!
Holy shit! An aerial view of the most gorgeously moody table I've seen in some time!
Yum. And, the shape of the blueberry pie is FAB! Wait! Does that say "Peach Bourbon with Basil"? Is it a pie or a cocktail?
Right?? This cake is seriously kickass!
I just can't stop showing you pictures of this amazing cake!
The hanging roses... Gorgeous installation!
A fabulously gigantic bouquet of flowers! I love the apples!
The dress and cleavage... Right?
See the pic on the right? That's really me. Just kidding, but that's usually my reaction when I see cake.
The hair, the makeup, the cleave and the tattoos... Fucking spectacular!
Thank you for sharing the cool and gorgeous styled shoot with Bitchless Bride.
Photographer: Raelene Schulmeister
Other Location: Blue Grass Garden Centre
Equipment Rentals: Elegant Event Rentals
Floral Designer: La Petite Jaune Fleur
Dress Designer: Maggie Sottero
Favors & Gifts: Paper Blush
Bakery: Sugar By Tracy
Event Planner: Unbreakable Vows Wedding Design
Bridey, imagine having your wedding at an art gallery with finger food, fun and a cake so fabulous, that you actually feel badly cutting it (I mean, I wouldn't feel bad cutting it, but... you know my love for cake!)? Welcome to Emily and Jason's wedding! This B+G really wanted a low key celebration in a cool venue; one with a modern elegance... One that would encourage guests to appreciate their surroundings, and have fun! To say that they they pretty much nailed it by selecting The Art Gallery of Alberta would be an understatement! Right? How cool would it be to explore an art gallery while celebrating a marriage all with a drink in your hand?!!
Plus, I couldn't help it, bridey, I put several pics of the wedding cake in this post because it's just so fucking cool. Seriously, I've seen similar cakes, but this one is so rockin', and so spot on that I just had to show you every angle! So, enjoy this modernly FAB wedding with some serious cake porn! I know I did!!
LOVE your dress, Emily! Looks amazing on you!
OMG! Look how cool this venue is!
I love how the B+G are together!
Love those paper flowers...
Such a FAB idea!! How cool is that??
Yummy!!! Looks delish, right? RIGHT! Now... Look down!!!
It's fucking cake porn... C'mon! WOW!