Bridey, you know that over the years I have strongly suggested that you hire a wedding planner no matter your budget, and no matter how large or small your wedding is? Well, I haven’t been blowing smoke up your ass. There are some seriously solid reasons to hire a wedding professional to help you with your wedding plans, logistics and the several other moving parts for your big day. And, as I have preached this sentiment over and over again on Bitchless Bride until I am fucking blue in the face, some of you still would rather wing it. And, I get it. I really, really do. We are not cheap. We feel unpractical. We feel superfluous. But, we are not. We are “fixers”, not in the Ray Donovan kind of way (we aren’t hiding any bodies or embezzling money), but in the true sense of the word, FIX. We clean up some pretty big messes, literally and figuratively, and we make sure that you never know there was a mess in the first place. And, frankly, that alone is worth our price, and then some.
I’d like to share an anecdote with you based on a recent wedding that went off without a hitch (pun absolutely intended)… Well, that’s what the B+G would tell you because they didn’t know what really happened behind the scenes. They didn’t know about how I re-iced part of their wedding cake after somebody literally rammed into it (before the B+G saw it), scooped dog shit off of the dance floor, filled a gaping hole in the floor of the tent with rocks so that ankles wouldn’t be broken, adjusted the diagram so that the tables matched the wishes of the bride (and people wouldn’t sit at the wrong table), and creatively hid some of the filthy linen that was provided by a third party vendor. Bridey, would these mishaps have ruined their day? Probably not. Would they have caused unnecessary drama and stress? Absolutely.
“Are you the wedding planner?”, she asked.
Uh-oh… That was not a good question when the face staring back at me looked frightened and mortified all wrapped up into one.
“I am.” I said confidently.
“I am SOOOOO sorry, but I just tripped and bumped into the cake.” she said with embarrassment (and fear).
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” I said as I began heading towards the cake, not knowing what I was up against.
HOLYSHITGODDAM. Yeah, that’s what I thought when I saw that fucking cake. I mean… She FELL into the cake. Seriously, I’m surprised she didn’t have frosting dripping from her elbow. Fuuuuuccckkkk…. So, I took a deep breath, remembered that I studied pastry a lifetime ago, and went into action. I borrowed a flat spatula from the caterer, stole icing from the extra cakes we had for service (the ones in which wouldn’t be seen by the guests), and fixed that cake. The guest was relieved and I was the hero that nobody would ever know existed. Phew!
“Is that shit?” asked the DJ.
“Huh?” I responded.
“Is that shit on the dance floor?” he asked (again).
“Yup. That’s shit.” I said.
SERIOUSLY? Yup. There was shit on the dance floor. Not human (THANK GOD), but dog shit. In retrospect, I really shouldn’t have been surprised. We were in a GIANT tent in a beautiful backyard and there were dogs. Not running around during the wedding, but I’m thinking they went out prior to, pooped, and were then stowed in the house. Somebody must have stepped in the poop and then headed to the dance floor. UGH. So, I got a hot, wet rag, dropped it on the floor (all very casually), and pretended to dance a little bit all while wiping the shit from the floor. Certainly a new experience for me.
“There’s a hole.” a dude from catering staff said.
“In in bucket?” I couldn’t help myself!
“No. In the floor near that guest table.” he said pointing to a FUCKING hole in the floor next to a guest table (that couldn’t be moved at this point in game).
“Ugh.” I mumbled.
What to do? What to do? ROCKS! There were tons of rocks on the property that I could stuff into that fucking hole. I had pockets in my suit coat… So, my assistant and I filled our pockets with rocks, dropped them into the hole in the floor, stomped on them, and took care of a potential liability. Again, a hero that nobody would ever know about.
“The tables are backwards.” I said as the rental company was leaving.
“No they’re not.” he said.
“Look.” I said as I showed him the diagram that the bride worked her ass off on.
Yeah. Oh! That simple mistake could have cost a shitload of confusion as guests were taking their seats. So, I fixed it, and I have a large bruise to prove it.
Bridey… All of this happened on the day of the wedding. Quite frankly, there’s a few more details I could share, but those were the highlights. And, after all of that hard work + planning that went into this FABULOUS event, those “things” that happened ON THE WEDDING DAY, could have very well undone everything. We went round and round over the logistics, food, music, budget, YOUNAMEIT!!!! So, even if you’re working with a small budget, consider hiring a wedding planner as your “happiness insurance”. Can’t afford a full-time planner? Then hire a “day of” or “month of” planner to help you, and to be there on the day of your wedding so that you’re not faced with potential disaster. Got it? Good! Stay bitchless!!!