Bye Bye Fire Breathing Bride

"Wait!" She yelled as she sailed across the bridal suite.

"Wait! Kathleen! Make sure you get those racoon things under her eyes." The bride to the makeup artist as her mother sat in the chair waiting for Kathleen to begin her magic.

Yup. This is just a little taste of the bride I have been working with for sixteen months. Isn't that just horrifying? I felt so sad as her mother sat in the chair completely humiliated waiting for the "racoon things" to be dealt with, her head lowered in embarrassment. I mean, if I'm honest, the MOB really did need some serious makeup to cover the giant bags under her eyes, but one can only imagine WHY she might be so fucking tired. I only had the joy of working with this horrendous bitch of a bride for just over a year, and I cannot for the life of me imagine what it was like to have her as a daughter. Who knows? Maybe her mother is the reason she is the way she is, but no matter what, keep that shit to yourself. No need to humiliate your mother and make everybody in the room uncomfortable. Like the makeup artist was going to MISS those?

Or what about during the second dress change of the evening (there were three... an elegantly conservative dress for the ceremony, a fucking ball gown for cocktails and dinner, and a slutty number for the dancing)? When due to the bizarre layout of the venue, we only had a tiny space to change with a tiny screen to change behind masking the tuxedo and wedding gown? What did that bitch say?

"Great. That's just awesome. So glad Nathan saw my wedding dress." she said sarcastically, shooting daggers in my direction.

SERIOUSLY? You took pictures prior to the ceremony while the groom was in and out of the suite, and your stupid gown was hanging from the four-poster bed for the world to see. They could have seen that fucker in space bridey! There was no doubt that he saw it well before we had the audacity to hang it behind the tiny screen to prevent it from wrinkling. 

Yeah, it was at that point when my colleague had to pry the cigarette from my balled fists reminding me that I have come this far, so don't fuck it up now. So, I (only took a drag) threw the ciggy on the ground, composed myself and smiled until it fucking hurt. And man did it hurt!

But, no matter what, I made it! I seriously NEVER thought I'd see the day when this horrible bridey's wedding came and went. I mean it. I can suddenly see the trips I should have been looking forward to, the people whose company I have been wanting to enjoy, and an amazing husband who showered me with only the best gin... I can finally see all of these wonderful things! Please tell me you know what I am talking about?! Right? It's like the fog of SIXTEEN months has been lifted and there is life again!

Yeah, yeah... I know I sound totally dramatic, but making it through this wedding has made me a stronger person. It has made me a better person. And most of all, it has made me a bitchier person. This bride was the catalyst that pushed me to create Bitchless Bride. The continuous demands, endless emails and ridiculous expectations pushed me over the fucking edge... And so BB was born. This fire breathing dragon of a bitch bride seemed to encompass every terrible quality from every bride I have ever worked with, singeing my eyelashes every time she spoke.

And today? (Yesterday doesn't count because I spent most of the day sleeping and drinking...) Thinking about how I not only made it through this wedding, but the WAY my team and I did made it? That's the best part! There was not one single flaw. I mean, of course she looked, and picked, and picked and picked... But there is no denying just how well this wedding was executed. In fact, it actually felt scripted (beyond my twenty-two page timeline of events and diagrams), like I was having an out of body experience. The venue was absolutely incredible, the vendors were amazing, and the event as a whole was truly picture perfect. So, fuck her and her shitty attitude. 

I'll end this post with a conversation I had with the event manager at the venue after the ceremony rehearsal... We were at a complete loss... It could go either way. You see, we couldn't figure out if this bridey bitch was going to be in a total euphoric state on her wedding day or just continue to be the bitch bride she was all along... Well, we got our answer, and euphoria definitely wasn't on the menu. It's really too bad... Because she is going to look back at her wedding day with shit colored glasses instead of the rose colored glasses everybody else was wearing. 

BB's moral of the story? Don't be a fucking bitch bride. It's as simple as that. Got it?