Bitchless Bride's Sex Education "Rule Book"
So, I was working with a young couple, and by young couple I mean like 22 years old young… and with a young couple comes a young crowd. And as much fun as that can be, sometimes I feel more like a fucking chaperone instead of a planner. Seriously. I’ve had to have security confiscate flasks, tell people that “no, you can’t smoke in the bathroom”, and yes you have to wear your shirt. Really? But, because I have sex on my mind (again, sorry dad!) this week, I feel like it is as much my duty as a wedding planner to not only coach the bride on sex education (like in our post yesterday), but the guests too.
So here’s BB’s quick SEX EDUCATION rule book for the “young” guests:
1. First and foremost… don’t “do it” in public. Just don’t. Unfortunately, I have seen way too many bare asses in my day. Usually, it’s one of the groomsmen who thinks he’s being super suave, but actually is super predictable. We will find you. We will embarrass you. And we will tell you to zip it up. So, just go “do it” somewhere else. Okay?
2. You’re not funny. Yelling profane comments at the groom as the newly weds are making their grand entrance is not cool. Gestures aren’t either. So pretend that this is an adult party, and act like one.
3. Brides, you know those out-of-town bags? Put some condoms in there. Seriously. Provide them for your friends (grandma is probably all set), but definitely do it. No shit, I have started carrying condoms (and lube) in my “emergency” bag. Yeah… I am good like that, but frankly I’d like to pass the reigns back to you.
4. Ladies, I am all for going commando. In fact, I prefer it. But, you are not Britney Spears, and nobody wants to see your vag (well, they didn’t want to see hers either) as you are dirtily dancing on the floor or daintily bending over to get something out of your pocketbook. So wear some panties. I mean this is not a frat party. Somebody’s parents are watching you, and they are horrified.
5. Sorry, but everybody knows what you’re doing under the table. Okay? And, they are trying to eat, so get off your knees, sit down in your chair and eat your dinner.
I know that today’s post is especially crass (even for me), but sadly for me, I have witnessed all of these perverse educational points, and I wanted to share them so that hopefully some good will come out of the scaring on my eyes. Got it?