I had a lovely meeting with a potential client today. This bride was charismatic, bright and pretty awesome actually... But, all I kept thinking during our meeting was that I got to her in the nick of time! Seriously, this bridey was about to go from pretty awesome to pretty cray cray real fucking fast! And the more she spoke, the more I was able to see it... Seriously, I felt like I was watching myself in some horror movie. You know the ones that make you think you are going crazy, but what you are seeing is really happening?! I swear I saw an invisible crack slowly creeping down her body. It started from the top of her skull and was getting bigger and bigger... It's a good thing she found me or else this chick would have CRACKED! And then? Well, this bridey, bitch would be on the loose!
Sooo, bridey... I starting thinking about the signs when it becomes apparent that you need to hire a planner:
1. Your husband-to-be threatens divorce before you even walk down the aisle. That would suck, right?!! Bridey, it's okay to admit you need help. For some, wedding planning truly is a second job. My advice? Just don't wait until you're in over your head to do it. Get help sooner rather than later.
2. When vodka starts becoming your dinner, regularly... We all hit the sauce during stressful times (I'm legit drinking a delicious vodka tonic right now!), and that normal. But, when the sauce starts becoming a food group? Well, then you many have yourself a little bit of a problem. Brideys, I'm allowed to drink because I am busy planning all of your crazy weddings! Like SEVERAL. But, you? Not so much. If you're turning to the sauce or any vice for that matter, then it's time to call in the big dogs. Okay?
3. Your friends don't want to play with you anymore.... Because you suck...
Yup, you read that right. Here's a topic that is so verboten that most of you are wondering why I'm even writing about it. But, it's important. Because it happens... A lot... More often then you know. I mean let's cut the shit here, if half of all marriages end in divorce, then there's bound to be a few who got "divorced" before they got married, and for good reason too... When it becomes more about the wedding and less about the marriage, you're doing yourself a favor.
Bridey, I'm not saying that it will happen to you, but God forbid (as my mother would say) it does, I promise you, you'll need some guidance. So here it is... And my biggest piece of advice? Do it before the enormity of the situation has sunk in.
1. Act fast. If you are calling off your wedding, then time is of the essence. Remember how aggressive you were planning the wedding? Well, add warp speed to that. Because your guests will need to change their plans too (cancel airfare, hotel rooms, etc.). Get the word out there immediately. I know it's embarrassing, and that you'd rather hide under the covers and wish it all away, but bridey? There's no time for that shit. Pull it together (for now); I'll let you know when it's time to lose it. But, we're not there yet. So get it together. And don't beat around the bush. Send something like this... From your parents "I'm sorry to inform you that the marriage of Bridey and Groomy, has been cancelled."
2. Call your vendors ASAP! Depending on how close you are to your wedding date, there may still be time to get some of your money back. If they can re-book the date, then there's a chance that the only thing you'll lose out on is the deposit. So get to it! Um, and while your at it? Cancel your honeymoon. You'll probably get screwed with the airfare, but the hotel cancellation policies are usually within 24-48 hours of the arrival date.
3. You've got to return the gifts. Trust me, you'll want to. Right now, everything and anything is a reminder (which can still hurt even if you're the one calling it off). That stupid egg poacher (which you will never use) will suddenly have some sort of emotional value, so get rid of it! Now!
I am completely dying right now... I just got off of the phone (literally, like 2 minutes ago) with a Mother of the Groom (MOG), and not only did the conversation begin with her crying, but it ended with her saying, "I just want to do this for them (the rehearsal dinner), and then I want them to get divorced." Right? What the fuck???
“Doesn’t it ever depress you?” she asked with a blank stare, eyes darting around the room.
“Does what depress me?” asked Bitchless.
“That statistically, half of all of your couples will end in up in divorce court.” she chirped.