Based on the title of this post, and this FAB photograph, you can totally tell that I'm a product of growing up in the late 80s and early 90s. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that some of you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about! I quoted a Mötley Crüe song... Just click on the link if you're curious (and be prepared for some really bad music). Anyway... I was chatting with a friend of mine and we decided that sometimes it's easier to tell the bitch to go away (now) as opposed to suffering through whatever may be in store for the future. I mean... Hopefully she won't go away mad, she'll just go away... Better now than a week before the wedding, right?
My friend went so far as to say that she'd PAY a particularly brutal client to get out of her life, and when I balked, she said something that struck a chord... "You can either buy happiness today, or pay the price for a bad decision in the future." Holy shit! Right? Good point! And in the wedding industry, paying the price for a bad decision can last for a long fucking time.
Bridey, this is not limited to vendors firing brides. If you aren't feeling the love with a vendor you've hired, then cut the cord and move on. Fire them. Trust me, the sooner the better. Life is too short and weddings are too expensive for you to be unhappy. I mean... Sometimes it's worth losing a little money to gain a lot of happiness.
We've all heard the phrase or even said that we were going to, "roll out the red carpet", right? Well, imagine if you, bridey, were going to roll out the black carpet? And, that black carpet was going to be used to transform a space so magnificent as the ballroom at the Mandarin Oriental in Boston for your wedding? I mean, holy shit... That's exactly what Paula and Greg did (well, their group of incredibly talented wedding vendors anyway...). This kickass group of industry peeps created the most A MAZ ING black and white wedding; one that will leave you absolutely drooling over the details.
Bridey, close your eyes and imagine a shiny black dance floor, mirrored tables (seriously, who needs linen when you have mirrored tables!), an insanely GORGE floral installation (which doubled as your wedding altar), charger plates that I totally would hang in my house, etc. etc. etc.... Oh wait! Open your eyes! Silly me! Just scroll down, bridey, scroll down and prepare to be blown away. Enjoy!!
Paula... Wow! I can't... It's too good... This bouquet seriously brings tears to my eyes! And look down... I love tying sentimental value into something so special.This is awfully romantic!We did it! We signed the Ketubah! Let's go get married!Exquisite. Simply exquisite chuppah!!I love how her parents catch her half way down the aisle.Ghost chairs... LOVE!
The other day, I tweeted that I've been brunching so much that I really think I am subconsciously aspiring to be a "lady who lunches". But, how could I leave all of this? (I say super sarcastically...) Leave all of you? I mean, what would my life be like without you crazy bitch brideys? The truth is, I couldn't leave planning (and know how to function). And, that fact became brutally clear to me during brunch yesterday as I was surrounded by some of my favorite peeps in the whole wide world. Actually, not the whole wide world, but in my world; "the industry". You see, all of us work in hotels or private planning and deal with the craziness of the hospitality culture, the constant need to say "yes", and the brutal hours. But, as we got to talking it became clear to me what I needed to write about today. You! And, your cray cray attitude.
Bridey, based on the anecdotes and sheer hilarity that took place during brunch, I thought I would give you a few tips on how not to be mental while planning your wedding! So, here it goes...:
10 Behavioral Characteristics to Avoid While Planning Your Wedding:
1. Entitlement: Bitch, please... I don't work for you; I am attempting to work with you. I am your vendor. I am the chick busting my ass at a fancy hotel, or country club or I'm a private event planner, photographer, DJ or or or... And all I am trying to do is help you achieve "the dream". So, knock off the bullshit, drop the entitlement, and let me do my job... Without hating you. Trust me, nothing pisses us off more than some bitch who thinks she is better than the rest of the world. You'll get more out of your vendors if you're nice. PERIOD.
2. Moodiness: Look, we're women... And, I've heard that we tend to get a bit moody when we're stressed. Right? But, as your vendor, I am not your punching bag or your Xanax. And you know what? I can be just as moody as you, bridey, but I have mastered the concept of "faking until I make it". Have you?
3. Perfectionism: I strive for perfection too (um, I'm what they call super detail oriented), bridey, but I also know when my best is good enough. And, I suggest you start learning how to do the same. It's really amazing, but you can have the "perfect" wedding day, and still have shit go wrong. Seriously, I think every single recently married bride will tell you the same thing. And, I know that with the amount of money you're spending, comes pressure for perfection, but please remember, above everything else, comes the person you are marrying...
4. Irrationalism: Do I really need to say more? Bridey, when you feel yourself starting to go off of the deep end, go for a walk, workout, get your nails done or whatever... Basically? Take a break and use the time to think things through. I promise, the craziness will pass if you give it chance. But, you gotta give a little.
5. Procrastination: Procrastination fucks us all up. Your wedding vendors, that is. Bridey, if you procrastinate, then it slows down the entire process for all of your wedding vendors. It's a total domino effect, and it all starts with you. For instance, if you need to make a decision regarding your floral arrangements, do it. Now. If not, you may not get what you want on your wedding day. And, then you put your florist in the position to rush an order or feel as though she is harassing the bride. Not good. (And, not for nothing, but, if you're renting linen, a lot will depend on your arrangements, etc., hence the domino effect...)
6. Indecisiveness: Indecisiveness can be just as annoying as procrastination. It's like you're procrastinating because you're indecisive, and, that's fucking annoying.
"Your prices are outrageous!" Yeah, that's how the conversation began with this potential bride. (Told you I am losing faith in humanity.) Nice way to start, huh? She had called a day prior requesting information about wedding packages, etc., although without the willingness to share a bit about herself, her "dream" and most importantly, her budget. So, I got as much as I possibly could get out of her before she abruptly ended the call. I hesitated, but then said, "Fuck it", and emailed the wedding packages and pricing for her to review.
Which brings us back to the beginning... "Your prices are outrageous!" Yeah, this bitch called back the next fucking day to share her feelings with me. Know what? I totally should have sent her the PITA wedding packages (they're ones which incorporate the Pain In The Ass fee). No, I don't actually have those, but it sure is tempting! OMG... I can only imagine how outrageous she would have thought my pricing was if I emailed those! Again, not that I have them...
Anyway, here's the thing... Some of you may find certain wedding vendor pricing "outrageous", and that's perfectly fine. Don't use them. Choose somebody else. But, please, bridey, do us all a favor and keep your bullshit opinions to yourself! I mean... There's really no need to call back and preach your outrage. Just move on. But, keep this in mind... Most vendors who rank on the pricey side of the spectrum? Yeah, they got there because they're fucking worth it.
I want you to do me a favor, bridey. I dare you to walk into Louis Vuitton and tell the chick helping you select the "perfect" bag that LV's prices are outrageous.
You know what makes me laugh and feel annoyedat the same time? When I meet with a potential client, gaze down at her ring finger, and notice that there is no sparkly rock shining up at me. I immediately think that this meeting is a giant waste of time. And you know what? So does everybody else in "the industry". Bridey, if you're not engaged yet, please don't call me. I know... I know... "It's going to happen soon; it's imminent." But, you all think that. You all think that he or she will pop the question over the next romantic dinner or stroll down the beach, and while you're probably not wrong that it will happen at some point, you're still wasting my time. Because it's not soon enough for me to take you seriously. So, bridey, until you get the rock, get off my clock!
Look, I know it feels like I'm being really mean, but allow me to shed some light on the situation from the perspective of your wedding vendors. We're busy with weddings or events every weekend, but we also know that securing future business needs to happen even when we don't have time to spare. So, when you, bridey, call us and inquire about our services, we put on a face, go into our spiel, and sell our souls to make you like us over the phone. Because that's what we do. And, if the phone call was a success, then an initial meeting is confirmed, and you've officially made onto our books. Score!! (A bit of a side note? Now I make it a point to weave the whole "how'd you get engaged" question into all initial phone calls so that I can avoid these situations...)
Fast forward to the meeting...
I am working with a bride (who I took on against my own better judgment), and the other day as we were discussing next steps, etc., she mentioned something about how she was just going to “stop by” the florist to see if she could get a handle on her centerpieces. When I asked who she was going to meet with, she said, “Nobody, I’m just going to stop by.” I stopped in my tracks. I broke out into a cold sweat. My hands started shaking. I felt breakfast making its way back up. Okay, I am exaggerating, but the truth of the matter, bridey, is that you should NEVER just “stop by” or “walk in” on any of your vendors. Nobody appreciates it. Nobody is prepared for it. And frankly, it’s fucking rude.
Not to sound like a third grader, but how would you like it if somebody did that to you? Just walked into your office, plopped themselves across your desk with a stack of papers, and told you that they were ready to chat about XYZ? I’m guessing that the first thing you’d ask is if you missed an outlook appointment on your calendar, right? I would. And what if you were on a deadline; the project you were currently working on had to be in by noon? Most likely you’d politely ask if you could chat about XYZ later… Right?
Now, I need you to do something for me, bridey… Please click on this link, and re-read the post I wrote about appointment etiquette, Five Crucial Wedding Appointment Etiquette Guidelines.
OMG, bridey... I just don't fucking feel like it! I don't feel like plunging into the fall wedding season pool of drama. I don't wanna. I don't feel like being a shrink, a referee, a "nice guy" and your bitch this fall season. You know why? Because I have some shit that I'm dealing with lately, and while I have learned to put my personal "baggage" aside, so that I can sift through yours, bridey, some days are harder than others. Some days I find it almost impossible to keep my grin plastered on my face.
Honestly? Sometimes I wish I followed in the family footsteps and became an attorney so that a callus, straightforward attitude was the norm; no bullshit required. Just the truth, no rainbows, no unicorns, no fluff, no bullshit... only the truth. Because I'm getting pretty tired of the bullshit, bridey. It's exhausting. And like I said, I don't fucking feel like it. I don't feel like putting on a face when all I want to do is tell you to quit whining about finding the perfect flowers to perfectly match the bridesmaids dresses. Because I don't care... But, what's a girl to do? Seriously? Wedding and event planning is ALL I know how to do! It's all I have ever done. And right this second, I don't want to play anymore.
Some of you will read this, think I'm full of shit and move on to the next pretty, frilly wedding blog.
Bridey, I can handle a lot of things, but the one thing I cannot stand is to be micromanaged. Period. So, please don’t micromanage me. And please don’t micromanage your vendors. The funny thing is that I’m not talking about now; the wedding planning process. I’m talking about on your wedding day. Seriously, don’t you have enough on your mind? Like, oh, I don’t know… your wedding vows, your reception and how basically every single person you love will be in the same room at the same time… That’s a big deal, bridey. HUGE actually, and I hate to say it, but that will most likely only happen one other time in your life. Yeah, I’ll let you figure that one out yourself.
As I was saying, this is our job. We, your vendors, do this most every weekend throughout the year (more or less), and hopefully you will only do this once. And when you take a step back, who has more experience? I’ll give you a hint, it ain’t you babe! So, please, just enjoy your wedding day because not only do you deserve to be utterly happy, but we have worked incredibly hard making it happen for you.
Look, I know that it’s easier said than done, so I thought I would give you a few pointers on how to prevent your bridey ass from turning into a micromanager on your wedding day:
1. I know this is simple, but just resist the urge to micromanage. Every time you feel it bubbling up, think about the big picture and all of the professionals you have hired to do their jobs. Bridey, you are not on the clock today. You should literally just sit there looking pretty and enjoying yourself.
2. Remember how I said that you hired professionals? Well bridey, give yourself a round of applause because there is a reason why you hired WHO you hired, right? So let go of all your Type A mannerisms and allow said professionals to do the job you hired them to do.
3. On that note, let them (your vendors) do their job their way. Perhaps you’ve dabbled in photography or were an MC in college. That’s great, but please don’t begin suggesting amazing shots that your photographer just “has to take” or making turntable recommendations to your DJ. They’ll figure it out! They always do. Bridey, unless there is something specific that you forgot to communicate to one of your vendors or the venue prior to your wedding, ease off and just relax!
Okay, this topic is coming up quite a bit in my world and those of my talented vendor friends, so I thought I would step in and write a bit about it so that you, bridey, can stop killing us with all of the back and forth. Here's the deal, your wedding isn't until November or December, but for sake of the invitation, you need to know what you're serving at the wedding so that you can complete the insert. Sound familiar? What is a girl to do? Well, here's a little test. Let's see how you do:
a. Call your wedding venue and demand a tasting?
b. Email your wedding planner (or invitation vendor) stating "emergency" in the subject line?
c. Panic, I mean your wedding is only six months away; why isn't anybody getting back to me?
d. All of the above.
e. None of the above.
NONE OF THE ABOVE! Bridey, a tip? Relax. Everything is going to be okay. I swear, I'm totally not meaning to patronize, but everything will be okay. Let me walk you through this one, because it's a very valid point, although if your wedding isn't for six months or so, frankly, you don't matter to most of your vendors right now (sorry, but true story!). I know you don't want to hear this, but your venue, caterer, etc. are in the middle of a very busy spring wedding season. And if your wedding isn't until late fall, I can assure you that the last thing they want to do is hear from you, let alone arrange a tasting so that you can figure out what to put in your invitation.
So, what should you do? Well, it's actually quite simple.
So, Eric, a super intuitive groom, emailed me and said that he'd written a post on his blog regarding the commercialization of weddings. And after I read his post; his perspective if you will, I fell in love with his idea that we are so busy waiting in line that we forget what we are waiting for... You see, bridey, he's currently engaged and wanted to share a bit about his perspective, as a groom (which we all see to dismiss most of the the time), about what he and his future wife, Leigh, are going through as they plan their wedding. His post begins as a dude watching USA hockey team duel Russia in the Winter Olympics.... I've underlined particular sections which I feel are so incredibly insightful that I needed them to stand out.
Eric of The Sea Log:
I’m preparing for an Olympics of my own. My first, and hopefully last wedding (Leigh loves that joke).
I’m taking the big plunge into marital bliss. The world might not be watching, but the majority of my family and friends will be. So we have to make sure everything is perfect.
A wedding is stressful. So much thought, resources, and time go into planning one day*. Just like that, it’s over and we invade the Ukraine.
It’s troubling though. Somewhere along the line wedding planning dropped its trousers and took a big ol’ steroid shot of commercialism.
I’ve heard that people send out Save the Dates… not for the wedding, but to tell people that a Save the Date is coming.
I bet that Suit who invented Sweetest Day is pulling these levers.
I love my fiancé. I’m excited to marry her. I think about this quite a bit. I want it to be a great day that we remember for the rest of our lives, but I also don’t want to lose sight about what the marriage is actually about.
I don’t want to build up one day of wedding bliss and then business as usual a month later.
Life can feel like a busy theme park. We spend an hour in line for the coaster. Our anticipation grows as we imagine how great this 2 minute ride is going to be. Then it’s over and we get in line for the next thing.
At days end we stood in line talking about the future for 8 hours and shouted into the wind for 10 minutes.
I live in this theme park. Mostly in my head. The lines are really long too. Measured in years not hours and minutes.
- Wedding day line – The girls always wear white in this line. Some strange tradition.
- Buy a house line - No specific date on the calendar. It makes the line seems a lot longer than it is.
- Start a family line - Currently as a single guy, this is like the line to the Haunted Catacombs. Scary anticipation greeted with screaming tears… mine not hers.
- Save for kid’s college line - You got the point long before I ran out of analogies.
Eventually my theme park will close. When they board me up I hope I wasn’t standing in lines my whole life. Thinking about the next ride, instead of how I can make today awesome.