Bridey, I gotta ask you a question... Who's in charge? Who's wearing the pants? And, I'm not talking about your relationship with your sig other. Not only is it none of my business, but I don't give a shit. (I mean... For the sake of womankind, I hope it's an equal partnership, but again, none of my biz.) How you manage your relationship is your business, but what is my business is managing the details of your wedding. So, when your soon-to-be MIL calls me (or the venue, or the florist, or DJ, or the band, or the caterer... you see where I'm going with this), and wants to make significant changes to items we've worked hard putting in place, I get a li'l nervous. Therefore, I need to know, who's in charge?
Yesterday, I was boozy brunching with a friend of mine (God I missed mimosas while I was pregnant!), and when I told her about Bitchless Bride, she starting sharing some crazy-ass stories with me (that's usually the reaction I get when I tell people about BB). Anyway, she told me how a friend of hers had some serious issues with her MIL as she was planning her wedding. You're gonna want to sit down, bridey... Trust me.
So, this poor woman's MIL had the audacity to call the bakery and change the flavor and design of the fucking wedding cake. OMG! What the fuck is that about? Right? And, for some of you, the cake is like Holy Grail. It's the one thing you care about the most. You've invested tons of time and energy selecting the particulars, and then this bitch makes a single call and ruins it.
***I'm posting this one again because it's one of my favorite Truth Hurts, and because I was recently reminded why people hate being in weddings (see number 6). Not to mention, it's some pretty awesome advice! Enjoy!***
March 24, 2014:
"Oh my God, you have the coolest job! I'm sure you could write a book about all of the stuff you see!" *wink* Since all of my non-wedding industry friends always seem to think that my job is nothing but rainbows and unicorns, I thought I would share ten things I hate about "I do". And since I'm not really into sugar coating, a few of these items may hit a nerve, so brideys, I suggest you listen up and learn from this instead of being offended. Because I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. If used correctly, then what I am about to share with you can quite possibly change the entire course of your wedding, if not your life. Okay... a touch dramatic, but...
1. Cheap brides. It's one thing if you don't have the money, and need to scale back. I totally get it!! But, cheap for the sake of being cheap is fucking annoying. I want you to remember something, bridey. You get what you pay for, and if you hire the cheapest vendor or nickel and dime the ones you hire to their breaking point, then most likely you will be disappointed with the outcome. If you're cheap with them, then odds are? They're going to be cheap with you.
2. Two words. Dry weddings. WHAT the fuck? I have planned weddings of all different religions, backgrounds, etc., but imposing your personal tastes and/or beliefs on your guests is rude. At least have a cash bar (cringe) and make your guests pay for their booze. But, not offering it? Inconsiderate.
3. Which leads me to my next point. Vegan weddings. REALLY? Enough! Be vegan! Be healthy! That's awesome, bridey, but pretty please with sugar on top, don't subject your guests to tofu if they aren't interested. Look, I have a lot of vegan friends, but when we're together they certainly don't impose their "stuff" onto me. So, please, bridey, don't do it at your wedding. If meat makes you ill, I totally get it. Just make it a lovely vegetarian wedding, and skip the vegan.
4. Get a grip on your expectations. Drop the fairy tale act. You want magic? Then marry the right man. PERIOD. If you plan well, stay true to yourself (and your budget), and the rest will fall into place. And you know what that is? Magic!
5. Please don't be rude to your fiancé, mother, father, sister, brother, event manager, florist, caterer, etc. in front of anybody else. Because it's painful. It's excruciating. It's uncomfortable. And it makes me want to punch you in the face. If you have an issue with any of the peeps mentioned above, then work it out privately and get off of your soapbox.
6. Unflattering bridesmaids dresses. You heard me. UN FLATT ER ING! And for any of you who say "OMG, don't my girls look amazing?"... You're lying! Because that bottom heavy friend of yours in that stick-straight, super light dress is fucking miserable, and it shows!!
So, I was at the gym the other day, (Ewwww... I have officially become one of those girls who starts off a story by bragging about how I was at the gym! It's not like that, really! I got baby weight to lose, bridey, which is a whole other post for a whole other blog! Anyway...) and I started chatting with the woman, old enough to be my mother, who shared a story about how the guest list for her niece's wedding took an ugly turn. I won't get into all of the gory details, because I although I was focused on the dirt of her story, I was also attempting to burn off the spare tire that loves to present itself in every shirt I own.
Basically, her niece was picking and choosing the guest list for wedding in a way that was extremely hurtful to close family. I believe the cliche I am looking for is 'cherry picking' the guest guest list. And I'm not talking about the family members whose names you forget because you see them once every five years at a funeral, I'm talking CLOSE family members; like, people important to your MIL important. Right? Bridey, while choosing your guest list is among the most difficult tasks of planning your wedding (just wait until you start placing those guests at tables!), remember that this list will stay with you for the rest of your life. It's a fine line between choosing your guest list, and choosing who will stay in your life once the wedding is over.
Look, I totally get it! Weddings are fucking expensive. The more people the more money. Plain and simple. But, your choices now will have repercussions later. So, if it's not a money thing, then get over it, and invite your soon to be MIL's cousin from Cincinnati, because let me tell you, your MIL won't forget that you didn't invite her. You will, but she won't and when you least expect it, she'll torture you with that choice down the line.
Based on the title of this post, and this FAB photograph, you can totally tell that I'm a product of growing up in the late 80s and early 90s. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that some of you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about! I quoted a Mötley Crüe song... Just click on the link if you're curious (and be prepared for some really bad music). Anyway... I was chatting with a friend of mine and we decided that sometimes it's easier to tell the bitch to go away (now) as opposed to suffering through whatever may be in store for the future. I mean... Hopefully she won't go away mad, she'll just go away... Better now than a week before the wedding, right?
My friend went so far as to say that she'd PAY a particularly brutal client to get out of her life, and when I balked, she said something that struck a chord... "You can either buy happiness today, or pay the price for a bad decision in the future." Holy shit! Right? Good point! And in the wedding industry, paying the price for a bad decision can last for a long fucking time.
Bridey, this is not limited to vendors firing brides. If you aren't feeling the love with a vendor you've hired, then cut the cord and move on. Fire them. Trust me, the sooner the better. Life is too short and weddings are too expensive for you to be unhappy. I mean... Sometimes it's worth losing a little money to gain a lot of happiness.